How sexuality can be an important tool for self empowerment

As I am entering this new chapter of my life, I’m rediscovering things I used to love. I never had hobbies, at least not the kind of hobbies that won’t get boring over time. I used to read, to write short poems, to paint, to knit, but all of these things became dull. I abandoned a lot of things that got me excited at first.
The only „hobby” that kept my interest alive was in fact very primal: sex. Even in the beginning, when I discovered masturbation, the feeling of touching myself was intoxicating. When I shared the pleasure with my good for nothing first boyfriend, things got a little bit dark because he was abusive and manipulative. Even then though, leaving the abusive part aside, the touch of somebody else felt so good.
Then I discovered a new kind of pleasure, one the came from intimacy and love when I met my husband. Actually, our relationship started with three movies seen one after another, the last one being Trainspotting, which we finished a year later, because that night, after seeing American History X and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, right at the beginning of the movie he touched my leg and before I realized we were naked, having sex.
Exploring my sexuality, by myself or with my husband, the tingling sensation I felt, the joy of discovering a new erogenous zone, the thrilling pain, the exciting feeling of being possessed, all of these things never got boring.
Then, with all the shit I went through, I kind of lost interest in sex, which is a very common thing when you are depressed, even more so when you are on antidepressants, that simply kill your libido. It might sound funny, but I always found a way to learn something about me through sex. And I’m not talking about the erotic component that comes with the territory, but about my emotional needs, about my self esteem, about empowerment, about lusting and losing, about suffering and love for m myself, my body or for my partner. So when I’ve lost my libido, it felt like losing a big part of myself, a tool of knowledge that gave me some kind of power. I didn’t got bored with sex, but I lost all the things that made it so important for my journey. It felt painful. I felt depersonalized, ripped in half and very confuse. I actually cried more than once, I grieved for my sexuality.
Now I feel whole again. I regained my sexual ego, my excitement and the lovely and powerful intimacy I share with my husband, which is one of a kind. This closeness and the things that come with it are maybe the most beautiful things I ever experienced in my life. I’m not saying that’s everything, that my life revolves around my primal sexual instincts, but I’m not gonna minimize the power of these feelings just because this could make me look shallow for some people. Sexuality is a powerful tool and I don’t quite understand why is still a tabu. We all have sex, most of us are enjoying it and if you don’t somethings is not right and you need to think about it. Our body is build this way, so why are we still being prudish I will never understand. You can learn so much about you thorough sex. Explore all you want with your own set your boundaries, get to know yourself, what you like, what you don’t like, what you feel, how you feel it. Every move, every sensation is a message. Read yourself like a book! Sex is really empowering if you don’t get caught in a loop of thoughts like: what is this gonna say about me? Well, it says you are alive and enjoying it. That’s all! Sex is not about somebody else or somebody else’s thoughts, but about yourself and about the person you choose to share this experience with, if you choose the right one. Don’t waste your time with someone that judges what you like, that makes you feel shame. Sex is pleasurable when you are free and I for one think you should be a little bit selfish, if you wanna call it that way. I’s mostly about yourself, your feelings, your confort, your pleasure. Feel good! Embrace it! Have sex like there’s no tomorrow! *mic drop*
