Live from New York: “If Your Dog Poops by this Public Tree I’m Taking You to Small Claims Court”
I want to start this post by acknowledging that my Law Brain isn’t totally screwed in right now.
That’s why I’m Outta Office.
But you know what’s still intact? My Legal Vibe Check capability.
And this, my friends, is the story of a property owner (possibly renter or Member?) in Manhattan who Shall Not Pass.
I have a friend (yes, really, even me) who lives on the Upper East Side.
The other day she was walking her (adorable and talented) pup, and sent me a photo from their walk.
“Is this legal?”
Enforceable? Hah. No, obviously.
Legal? Hmmm.
I didn’t have an answer; instead I responded “GREAT question.”
Because I see these types of signs all around on what’s technically public property, but they usually say stuff like “hey, please be considerate of the flowers I’ve planted here.”
But a $250 fine???? Okay, now I’m interested.
Because now we’re getting into the Property Law interplay between Public Zoning and Private Nuisance Mitigation.
But if you ask me (an Out-of-Office Tenants’ Lawyer):
This Sign doesn’t pass the sniff test.
Here’s why:
Quasi-Public Space(s) in New York City
I am going to ask you to stretch your imagination deeply (but not actually as deeply as you think):
Imagine you’re homeless or otherwise housing insecure.
Imagine you live in a shelter that makes you leave all day with whatever belongings you want to take out Into The World only to have you return late at night.
Let’s assume (BIG assumption) you can assemble the clothing, supplies, Internet Access, and institutional knowledge to spend your 9–5 on the job hunt.
Where do you go in your free time?
Perhaps you go to the park with your buddies.
Maybe you people-watch. Maybe you play cards. Maybe you share a few drinks or a smoke. What’s so wrong with that? The Rich people are doing the Exact Same Thing at the Exact Same Park.
Maybe you catch some (elusive) sleep on a public bench. One of the ones that hasn’t been designed and installed by the City with the explicit purpose of preventing you from catching some shut-eye.
(I’ve never been overnight at a Shelter, but I can’t imagine it’s the easiest place to get a solid 8 hours.)
Perhaps just feeling the sun warm your face while you watch the dogs and passers-by brings you the most Joy you’ve felt this week.
Not in Sunnyside (anymore).
Recently I got really mad on Facebook and got into a Comment War (this happens to me all the time, and yet I only “let myself” do it when I’m really really pissed off).
Someone had posted in my Neighborhood group a video (with no attempt to censor faces) showing people sleeping on Public Benches at a nearby park. And she had posted this video with brazen outrage.
“What are we going to do about this?”
“These people”
“Criminals”
“Alcoholics”
“Dangerous”
“our children!”
……..woah, woah woah.
Slow down, girlie.
I started by commenting something like:
“Please don’t record my Neighbors like this.”
But maybe commenting was a mistake
because the comments were even worse.
People were begging for more hostile architecture.
Police raids on our Park.
I lost my fuckin mind (on Facebook) (again) that day.
I lost it again (for real) when the Raid happened,
and now no one gets to sleep at our Park.
But I found [my mind] (or part of it) again, to write this.
So let’s say the Park is out of commission, because you’re somewhere where the Cops will bust you for Vibing or Sleeping in Public Space.
Perhaps you try to go to a Starbucks.
I consider coffeeshops a Quasi-Public space.
There’s a long tradition of “bums” and “nobodies” having genius breakthroughs at coffeeshops, after all. (Like JKR before she hinged her whole persona on Hating Me Personally).
And you’ve Earned this Starbucks, because you have enough in change to buy a small coffee, which means you have The Right to sit there in the ambiance and safety and coffee smell while you people-watch or read or whatever until the manager starts giving you The Eye.
How long do you have to do this? Depends on the Manager. Also depends on how you’re dressed. DEFINITELY depends on whether you decide to Speak Up in this Quasi-Public forum today.
My (“Legal”) advice? Put on your Sunday Best, say please and thank you and NOTHING ELSE, don’t bring anything large or noisy in, and you’ll get more time than usual.
But if you try this with the Starbucks on Park Ave in the Upper East, you’ll fail.
because that Starbucks (which is partnered with a Bank) is very, very nice.
It’s like, a proto-WeWork setup. There are little ambient cubicles for you to take your Zoom meetings in.
But that kind of space is Private, not Public, right?? So we [the Bank] have to protect it.
So in order to get into this Starbucks, you have to either swipe a credit card or show a QR code from your Amazon app.
That’s right — they don’t want your cash.¹
And I predict we’re going to start seeing this type of thing a lot more in Coffeeshops.
The Smol Beanification of NYC Property Owners
Funny subtitle; very serious threat to our city.
Seriously, if this were Gotham instead of the real City I would throw the Bat Signal and tell Bruce all about the plague of Smol Beans descending upon our boroughs’ Housing Courts.
“I couldn’t possibly [provide potable water/abide by New York Housing Code/exterminate the bedbugs/whatever], I’m just a Smol Landlord!!”
has turned into
“These [laws/regulations] [affording basic human rights to my tenants] are a Legislative conspiracy against Smol [Bean] Landlords personally!!!”
I wish I was kidding. It’s the kind of thing you have to see to believe.
I’m gonna Use one of their own Words against them: ENTITLEMENT.
You property owners are far too entitled.
To passive income.
To Defy the Fair Housing Act
and the Warranty of Habitability (heard of ‘em?).
To perform unlawful surveillance.
To all kinds of Invisible Labor from your Tenants.
To use legal threats against people who have obviously never been to Law School.
It’s almost like these smol beans think themselves… wait for it…
Above the Law.
Which is why I love what I do. (For now).
CONCLUSION: Are you Sure that’s Your Tree?
[1] “Good Faith” “Hypothetical” for Starbucks:
I (nice-looking (most days)) White “girl,” really like your Product.
So much so that I sometimes get it for myself as a treat, even though I know all about your despicable union-busting tactics and labor violations.
At least you added the option to tip the barista on the card readers.
But here’s the thing: I’m a “nice” White “girl” with ADHD!!!!
So I don’t always remember to charge my phone before a day out.
And I’m just slightly more street smart than I was when I moved here, so sometimes I just carry cash.
I’m pretty sure I’m in your target clientele.
But I (Nice White Gurl) can’t spend money at your Park Ave spot if my phone is dead.
Know what that sounds like to me? (Economics degree holder)
LO$T PROFIT$.
