COVID-19 isn’t the boss, and “structure” shouldn’t be either
Structure is hard. So hard. It’s hard to design, it’s hard to maintain, and it’s hard to enjoy. I hate structure. But, no matter how reluctant I am to admit it, my children thrive with structure. Everyone suddenly “quarantine schooling” their children is probably wondering “how the hell do schools do this with hundreds of kids?!” Structure is a big part of the answer to that. Structure is also critical for mental health, and when you are struggling with anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc, structure can be comforting and help take the edge off.
When I think, “I need structure!” I tend to create detailed rigid schedules that have forty five transitions a day, and then I tend to only hold onto that structure for…about half a day. One thing I’ve learned from working with schools and youth programs serving vulnerable youth is this: structure is not about the schedule, it is about consistent expectations. And structure works best when it is explicit and intentional. If the structure is: “you’re allowed to use screens as long as you want, but we eat three meals a day and clean the house at least once a week,” talking about it and agreeing to it will make it explicit and intentional.
Here are a few thoughts about creating a “structure” that works during self-isolation due to corona virus:
- The ‘consistent expectations’ need to be ones you are actually willing to enforce. That’s the only way for them to be consistent. If you know you are not going to enforce completing all school work assigned for the day, do not give your children the expectation that you will. If you are not willing to enforce “you have to do this list of things before you can watch TV,” don’t set that as the expectation. On the other hand, if you know that you absolutely cannot go to bed before the kitchen is clean and you are willing to put effort into building the habit of everyone helping, then you can set the expectation, “we all help clean the kitchen before bed.”
- Some regularity to the schedule can be helpful for children, even if only because they like to eat like seven times a day (breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, lunch, snack, dinner, “midnight” snack…). I think the way to do this, however, is to observe what your natural rhythm is during the day, and then communicate explicitly about it with everyone. Notice and discuss if certain things are hard about that rhythm (like, mommy needs coffee before…anything). Figure out together how to support each other through difficult transitions. Talk about it as a group and make sure everyone has space in the schedule where they can get their needs met.
- If it is helpful to you, write the schedule down and put it on the wall. But, for the love of god, keep it simple. Breakfast before 10, lunch between 12 and 2, snack around 3, dinner at 6 might be enough, and writing that down can help people remember to do things like make food for the next meal.
- If you are trying to be slightly more structured, think about big blocks of time and minimize the number of transitions between activities. For my kids, two hour blocks of time seem to work well. For example, a block of time between 11:30 and 1:30 might be: take a break and play without screens, do something that moves your body, and eat. The transitions within that block of time can be fluid and on the children’s terms, and do not need to be managed by adults. In contrast: break 11:30–12:30, physical activity: 12:30–1:00, lunch 1:00–1:30 has more transitions and will require more management from adults to maintain the schedule.
- Decide what is best for you in terms of school work, planning other “activities,” and participating in things like live stream PE and art classes. Don’t worry about the people doing more or less. Find the balance that is right for your family. I am a HUGE fan of the Mo Willems lunch doodles, but I know it would be stressful if we felt like we had to do it every single day. We are doing about two hours of school work a day, but mental health days are liberally applied. My kids are getting more screen time than they usually do, but I know that if they get too much they get super cranky, so I am not turning on screens all day long — but, I’m also not judging anyone who is.
- It’s important to make the schedule and structure flexible. Rhythms and routines get thrown off, and if you are using the routine and rhythm of structure for its calming effect (it is very calming for my children), it’s important that the structure is flexible enough to adapt to changes. For example, if your overall structure is in two hour blocks of time, what you do in those blocks of time can change from day to day.
- Everyone needs to be able to have boundaries. I tend to give my kids a lot of attention, but I am noticing that being basically all together 24/7, I need to say to them more, “no, I can’t play with you right now, I need some time alone.” Children also need to be able to have boundaries, and if they set their boundaries — such as crying and fighting tooth and nail about doing school work, which is what it might look like if they try to set a boundary — it is much better for the adults to listen, to try to understand what the boundary really is and what is behind it, and to solve the problem together rather than trying to lay down the law. If you take a step back and talk about it, you might learn that their hand hurts from gripping the pencil too hard, that they are hungry, or that they don’t understand what they are being asked to do. Healthy relationships have healthy boundaries.
~I homeschooled my neurodiverse children for several years, and I work with schools and youth programs. This isn’t homeschool, and it isn’t normal. This is really hard, for everyone, and it’s *really hard* to be home all the time with kids. I hope that what I have to say will be helpful to at least one parent, even if it is only helpful by giving you the confidence that you’re not doing it wrong.~