‘Twas the night before inauguration, and all through the White House,
Lots of creatures were stirring, including Melania’s spouse;
All the stages were set on the Capitol with care,
In hopes that JLo soon would twerk there;
Trump writes a few tweets that will never be read,
While Jack Dorsey is waiting on hold with the feds.
And Melania in her McQueen jacket, and Trump in his toupee,
Were not planning on attending that HUGE day.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Trump assumed it must be Black Lives Matter!
Away to the window, Trump went…
Hey ______, strange weather we’re having, huh?
Yeah, ______, strange right?
I mean, it’s been ashing for a week straight.
I know, I have to keep convincing my wife I don’t have dandruff. Like, I use head and shoulders, Sandra.
Honestly, your wife sounds unkind.
She’s — You know, we used to be in love.
Ain’t that the way it goes. I never knew you had a wife.
Yeah, it’s never come up… I guess we’ve never made it this deep into small talk.
It’s probably cause of the —
Together: Ash rain.
My dog just died.
‘Sup fellow nerd punchers,
2020 so far has been like wtf. A MAJOR kick to the nutgulars. Bullying in this WHOREndeous year is going to be weirder than Joey Steers’ balls in 6th grade. I mean, virtual school? Who thought of that idea: Bill GAYtes?? But like Coach always says, “remember, dip-shit, before you throw the football, have a game plan.” Those are the words I live and die by. That, and everything Pewdiepie says. So I’ve been thinking (I know, nerd shit, right?) of a plan on how to be the best bully in these crackpot times. …
Dear political fruitcake,
I’m writing to you, the man who works for the man in Washington, in regards to a matter that’s pissin’ me off. Are you aware that every day while you fabricate the do’s and don’t of this great state, your citizens’ rights are being skewered like a shish kebab in a freshly re-opened Halal Guys? Wake. Up.
I consider the day you reopened indoor dining better than the day Burger King brought back chicken fries. …
Don’t Stop Believin’. I haven’t heard those words in a long time.
Yes, it’s me. “Just a small-town girl.” I’m still that girl, just in a different small town. Turns out the midnight train going anywhere just dropped me off in Lancaster, Pennsylvania: home of the Amish.
As soon as I stepped off that train and saw not a single bare ankle, I knew my life would change forever. The excitement of the unknown is supposed to be half the fun in life, but when the unknown is whether or not the corn will be “knee-high by the fourth of…
That’s very sweet. I can make you fall in love. But unfortunately, you never asked for them to love you back. Common mistake. You basically just wished to be the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Sad.
I’ll bring your dad back to life, but he’ll be unhappy because the dead should be dead and basically anytime you try and play God it isn’t going to end well. Ever. We’ve all seen the Corpse Bride here.
Oh, come on, Icarus. Do I even have to explain all the ways this one could go wrong?
What a great skill to have! Unfortunately, you…
Okay, so here’s the plan. It’s not going to be easy so if you are interested please do not take your duties lightly. What we are about to do is for the greater good of humanity and me.
We’re going to dress Martin Scorsese up like the old man from “Up.”
Now, we would all love to see Martin Scorsese dressed up like Carl Fredricksen from the hit Pixar movie “Up,” but a lot needs to happen before we can reach that nirvana. For starters, we need to be in the same location as Mr. Scorsese. I suggest we all…
Oh your baby just took its first steps? Cool. Color me unimpressed. If you’re baby really wants to impress me show them this list.
1. Here’s a start to “wowing” me: read this list, you baby.
2. Forget about walking. Run a marathon. Let’s see how fast you run without your little baby kicks since you are so keen on kicking them off.
3. Successfully run an independent party campaign. If you think you’re so clever try taking down our two party system, then we’ll talk.
4. Wear anything that’s monochromatic. Show some restraint in your fashion choices every once…