I fell in a deep lust that I almost mistook it for love briefly, it happened so fast and ended what felt like at the beginning. It happened within 3 weeks. And for 3 days I experienced something so magic now after another 4 weeks I can’t stop thinking about it. I’d had never felt this way about someone before, yes I had guys I thought were the best things ever to walk this earth, but never like this. I didn’t know how to act and I ruined it with selfishness and anger. I pushed him away and even though I know he, himself, isn’t perfect, I can’t help but always have my mind filled with memories and thoughts of him. I’ve let myself be full of sorrow and pity over what could have been and what I lost. He had pushed me away once during our short fling before he pushed me away for good. It was because what he felt for me was strong. I had managed to pull him back into my gravitational pull, but it had hurt. I think the second time, being the last time he pushed me away, was all my fault. I was hurting from the first time and was scared he would do it again. I had gotten extremely drunk and treated him in the ugliest way to see if he would stay. But he didn’t, because he valued himself more than that. I should have valued myself as well. I remember thinking about how perfect he was and how he was so much better than I could ever be, and how lucky I was to have him give me his time. I disregarded the fact that my time was also valuable in fact I couldn’t see my worth at all and treated him how I felt. One minute I was laying in bed in the middle of the day with someone laughing and smiling thinking about how my life couldn’t get any better, the next I was curled up alone hung over from a night of too much alcohol and tears reading a message about how I had shown my true colours and hurt someone I cared about. This should have been my turning point, instead I sent him $100 flowers to his work with some cryptic message about how I couldn’t change the past but can be better. I didn’t really apologise, not that I was given the chance to I was now and currently blocked on every social media account of his and my number on his phone. I still can’t really apologise without the fear of coming of as crazy, as he had so kindly pointed out to one of my work friends. So here I am stuck here thinking about all the things I’ve done wrong and what I’ve lost. I read something during that hard week where I realised what I had lost, it went something along the lines of “know when to leave and when to be left.” So for the past couple of weeks I’ve tried to know how to be left. It’s hard I have the urge most nights to drive all the way to his house and beg for forgiveness, or try and contact him telling him that I’m sorry. But I know these won’t work, he made his decision and as much as I don’t agree with that I have to accept it. I have tried to move on but the thought of someone else makes me feel sad again. I’ve been punishing myself with listening to Sam Smith most evenings singing along with the lyrics and crying relating it to how I feel. I know now again I have reached the that point where I have to decide if I continue knocking on this closed door, or should I turn around and keep walking looking for one that’s open. I know what the easy choice is, that would be sitting with my back against this closed door waiting and wishing for it to open. But in doing that I will miss all the open doors down the corridor and those doors could have amazing outcomes and experiences waiting for me. So right now, while standing here at work writing this, I am making the promise to me self to stop wishing for this door to open. I am promising myself to keep walking with my head held high (although wishing that door will open will be the worst habit to break) I am not the words I have been labeled as by others. I am more and I am worthy. When the right door opens I will be ready. Bare in mind that doesn’t mean I am not thankful for the door that closed. It showed me things about myself that I wasn’t inclined to ever look at before that door was shut in my face. I am magic and I know the best will happen for me, because I hold the power. I will always hold the power. So now I will turn off Sam Smith for now, stop sitting in pity, and move. Finally I will move. And if I don’t please tell me to move because I need the encouragement. I’m not as strong as I look and I need help too sometimes. I have a great support system that I don’t utilise to it’s potential, but this time I will. So i’ll leave with this quote “Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, have faith everything will work out for the best” – @thegoodquote. I will hold my hand out and reach to my friends and cry on their shoulders and let them help me move.