What the f**k am I doing?
In September 2014 I left the relative comfort of working for a design agency to start Slurpp. The past year and a half or so has been a constantly oscillating emotional journey. There have been peaks of excitement and elation when things are running smoothly but then there are inevitable troughs when something doesn’t quite go your way. These peaks and troughs are completely random often catching you off guard and they can happen multiple times a day. During the troughs of negativity I find myself awash in a sea of self-doubt. Always landing back at the same question: What the fuck am I doing?
When I first started out, this question used to hit me hard. The transition from working in an agency is difficult, you are used to having a team around you, work arrives at your desk and money magically appears at the end of the month. Within that environment you can focus on being a designer. Setting up your own business means you have to wear the hats of business development, client services, project management, accountancy and design. You have to develop all these skills as well as furthering yourself as a designer. It’s exhausting. But I didn’t make the change because it was going to be easy. I did it because I wanted to take a new direction one that would continue to challenge me and offer a change of lifestyle.
I have absolutely no doubt that I made the right decision to start Slurpp when I did. The last 18months have been tough but they have also been extremely rewarding. I have developed multiple new skills, built my own network of clients and been involved in some amazing projects. Starting out with a blank slate gives you the opportunity to design your own life (more about this in another post). It allows you to focus on the things that are important and ultimately create more enjoyment and happiness.
In any job there are going to be periods of frustration and negativity and I’ve learned that when that dreaded question arises, the most important thing I can do is seek perspective. Look back at the successes and the obstacles that I’ve overcome in order to reach this point. Establish the mistakes that have been made and the resulting lessons that have been learned. It’s often very difficult to do this on your own because you are so caught up in everything you become blinkered. This is where a third party is invaluable to help you put things into context. For me, this is where my wife comes in, she is extremely good at analysing things rationally, talking through the situation and helping show me that things aren’t quite as dark and gloomy. Without that help I don’t think I would be as positive as I am today.
After going over and over the question of ‘What the fuck am I doing?’ in my mind I started to realise that I need to stop being so pessimistic. When the question arises it is an opportunity to turn negative thinking into positive motivation. Firstly, asking yourself the question is a healthy reaction. It shows you are questioning the current situation with a desire to create change for a better future. Secondly, you are by no means the only person out there going through this. I have spoken to a bunch of freelancers and entrepreneurs that go through exactly the same thought process on a regular basis. Instead of going into a spiral of self-doubt and negativity you need to use it as an opportunity to stop and say ‘how do I fix this?’.
It is important to think back over your journey and how you got to where you are today. Look at the progress you have made and your successes along the way, no matter how small you may perceive them to be they are all part of your progression. One thing that it took me a while to grasp is that you can’t expect meteoric change to happen overnight, it takes hard work, dedication and usually a lot of late nights. You also need to remember that no one gets it right all of the time. Often the mistakes you make teach you more than the successes. If you went through life getting everything right you would never question how you do things.
Once you have considered your journey and your progress to this point you need to look to the future. Where is your current trajectory taking you and where do you really want to be? I find going through this thought process really valuable. It’s great to sit down with a pen and a pad but also get out there and speak to people about it. Try to find people with similar experiences and understand their journeys.
When you’re thinking about where you want to be there’s only 1 thing that will get you there and that is change. What changes do you need to make to your current trajectory in order to get to where you want to be? I know the term ‘change’ is somewhat ambiguous but it might just be something small and simple like trying a new piece of software or starting a blog. It needs to be something that changes your practices and behaviour to move you towards where you want to be. Whatever form it takes it will help you to stop making the same mistakes and to continue moving forward. When you are defining what changes you want to make, consider how you make them tangible and measurable so you can evaluate them further down the line.
As I sit here writing this post I am currently working through another period of self doubt. I am considering my goals and aspirations for the next year. What do I want to achieve? What should I focus on? And where do I want to go as a designer? I’m not really sure what the answers are at the moment but I need a goal to create change. 2 years ago I set out with a vision of what I wanted Slurpp to become and I am pleased to say I have achieved a significant portion of that. But things have now changed and I have a new vision that needs to be reflected in everything that I do. So my goal is to go through a process of defining what Slurpp is and where I want it to go in the future. Then I have a solid basis on which to rebuild the web presence and drive more traffic to the site. I have given myself a healthy deadline of the end of April for launch so here goes…