A Quick Guide to Transgender and Non-Binary Identities
[This is intended to be a brief primer. It does not encapsulate all there is to know about gender, and it is specifically targeted at my (the author’s) experience.]
Transgender people are people whose genders do not match the genders they were assigned to be at birth. “Gender” is different than “sex.” Sex is biological*, whereas gender is a complicated interaction of society and neurophysiology. What’s important is that gender is not the same thing as the kind of body you have! Neat, right? The human experience is beautiful and varied.
(*Think genetics, genitals, gonads, and secondary sex characteristics, any of which might vary along spectra in nature. For instance, a number of cisgender women do not actually have XX chromosomes, but unless they are karyotyped, they have no way of knowing because it doesn’t manifest externally. Intersex people also exist, and have a different suite of marginalizations that they face. Important to note: Biological categories are also socially defined.)
Binary transgender people are trans people whose genders fall into the two classically recognized genders, which is to say women and men. They usually use either she/hers (for women) or he/his (for men) pronouns, but this is not always the case! Listen to what people tell you.
Non-binary people are often transgender; some are not. Non-binary is a broad umbrella term for a number of identities, including agender people (who do not have a gender), non-binary men and women (who partially identify with being a woman or a man but not in a binary way), bigender people (who experience two or more genders), genderfluid people (who switch between genders), people with an unclassifiable gender, and so on. Non-binary people tend to use more varied pronouns; they/them is probably the most common, but some will use she/hers or he/his as well, or neopronouns like xe or hir.
I myself am a non-binary transgender person, because I am a different gender than the one I was assigned at birth! Specifically, I’m a third gender person. You can imagine two genders pretty easily — now just imagine a third one that is not them. None too complicated!
I don’t claim to have a firm grasp on all these identities, not having met people with all of them, but it’s pretty easy to use the pronouns people tell you — or better, ask. And here’s the thing: it gets easier the more you do it! Sometimes we have to learn new social rules, and them’s just the breaks.
What’s important is that transgender people are the gender they tell you they are NOW, not what they were accidentally misclassified at birth!
A quick note on terminology: Saying “transgender people” and “trans people” is correct; saying “transgenders” or “transgendered” is offensive. The word transgender is already an adjective, not a noun! Some quick examples: transgender woman, non-binary transgender person, non-binary person, transgender man, trans man.
Additionally: “Cisgender” is the official opposite of transgender, i.e., someone who is the gender they were assigned at birth. As anyone who has taken organic chemistry can tell you, the Latin prefixes “cis” and “trans” mean “same side” and “across from” respectively.
A Quick Guide to Correct Pronoun-Usage
1. Use the right ones! This is first, because there’s no way around it. You’re not gonna sneak it past us, I promise.
2. I know it’s tricky to adjust to new pronouns! But I have confidence that you’ll manage, so you don’t need to keep telling me about how difficult it is. Trans people have trans friends; I’ve had to learn new pronouns. There is an adjustment period, and then you figure it out, and then you do it consistently and forever.
3. Really, please, stop telling me about how difficult it is to switch pronouns. I don’t want to hear it.
4. When you screw up, the best response is this: “Oh, I’m sorry! I mean, [correct pronoun].” Then, get it right the next time!
5. Here are things that make me sad:
a) Apologizing, but continuing to get it wrong immediately after. This makes it seem like you’re not paying attention or trying.
b). NOT apologizing, and continuing to get it wrong. This is definitely worse.
c) Making excuses. When I hear excuses, it’s a little hard not hear “I’m humoring you, but I don’t understand why this is important.” I also don’t know how to respond to them. What excuses would you make for stepping on someone’s foot? It would sound a bit weird, right?
d) Not catching yourself at all! Seriously, you gotta. I’m not expecting you to take the Sacrament of Reconciliation every time you screw up, but recognizing that you messed up and fixing the mistake means a LOT.
6. Please don’t ask me to just correct you when you get it wrong! I still may, don’t get me wrong, but it is really difficult to constantly be interrupting conversations I might very well like to be having, and it’s not really fun for either of us. It’s a lot easier if you are paying attention and catch yourself.
7. Don’t just say that you will simply call me by my name exclusively to avoid messing up pronouns. For one, I don’t especially like my name, so that sucks also. For another, if you think people can’t tell when you’re deliberately avoiding pronouns, they absolutely can. It is very obvious. Also, it says to me, “I would rather contort my sentences than acknowledge your gender.” This is not fun for me!
8. There is a grace period of learning new pronouns! Trust me, I won’t be mad if you need some time to learn them and to rethink your schema of gender. That’s legit! Take two months, I’m generous.
I start to get concerned, though, when it’s been several months to a year, and you’re still only halfheartedly trying to get it right. That stands out, and that says to me you’re not really trying — you’re just doing the bare minimum to make it weird if I get mad at you. Don’t put me in that position.
Here’s a thing: I don’t want to get mad. I hate confrontation. I want to be on good terms with everyone. But this cannot be a compromise zone.
9. A note on grammar for they/them pronouns: Some people will contest that using a singular “they” pronoun is grammatically incorrect, and yet go on to not use the clunky and awkward “he or she” construct when referring to a person of unknown or hypothetical gender. Hypocrites! The fact of the matter is, actual linguists tend to be “descriptivist” rather than “prescriptivist,” which means they recognize that living languages are fluid and shift with the changing needs of a society, rather than forcing a language to conform to a set of predefined and artificial rules. The only languages that don’t change are dead ones, and I can’t imagine why you would want our language to die.
If you’re concerned about potential confusion between the singular and plural use of they, I find that context clues are pretty potent in this arena. Furthermore, as society changes, I suspect we will all come to more adequately employ and understand the nuances of such speech. Will there be minor ambiguities? Sure! Are there already minor ambiguities in our language? Absolutely! Do I care more about having a word that properly describes me than making the English language a perfectly efficient and soulless machine? You betcha!
Addendum: The correct conjugation is “They are going to the store” or “I went to the store with them.” Incorrect: “They is going to the store.” Also, don’t use “they/them” in place of second-person pronouns, like “you”. Let’s not be silly, here.
10. Here’s something else: Using pronouns correctly and consistently will require you to think critically about gender and how you view it. This is normal, this is natural, there’s no need to panic. This is also absolutely essential, and it’s not a step you can skip. You gotta stop thinking about me as a woman, ’cause I’m not and never was.
11. If you are concerned about your ability to get pronouns right, a helpful hint that may not immediately come to mind is to practice using them. Have conversations with another person where you use the pronouns correctly; write a story or a letter about the person in the third person; repeat it to yourself in the privacy of your home. This is how I have learned new pronouns for my friends, and it lets you get your mistakes out in private.
12. I am so fortunate to have so many wonderful friends and family members who are loving and kind and very smart, and they’re doing a great job. And here’s the thing: I betcha you’re real caring, kind, and smart as well.
Cheers! Don’t make me a liar!