Making a Decision

I’ve been trying to write this story for the past 3 weeks. Basically it’s about getting laid off of my previous job and deciding the best course of moving forward with life. I wrote at least 3 drafts that ranged from depressing, happiness and anger. Then I decided not to write it because my emotions were still too raw to actually have something that’s comprehensible.

For the past few weeks I’ve been sleeping late, waking up late, going to starbucks, reading some medium posts on how to get through being laid off and slowly applying to jobs. I applied to about 20 jobs, talked to at least 5 recruiters, did at least 15 interviews and I still haven’t found the confidence to go through job interviews. I’m still a bit of a mess — have days with spurts of positivity followed by a whole day of doing absolutely nothing and playing a whole lot of Overwatch.

I really think it has to do with fear.

When you have a full time job, you spend your whole day trying to attain a goal — whether it be creating that one feature or talking with teammates on what works best in a specific code. When you don’t have a job, there’s absolutely no goals, it’s just the whole world on the palm of your hands. I can literally do whatever I want at this point and it should be the most empowering feeling in the world — but it’s not. A couple of years ago this would’ve been the best thing that can happen to me, an excuse to work on whatever I want, to do whatever it is that I want to do and be passionate about something else. This time around, I don’t really know what it is that’s scaring me.

I haven’t created content since I lost my job. Maybe this piece of content will remind me that I can get through this. Now off to my next interview.