Office Classifieds: Has Anyone Ever Told You Your Hands Are Ugly?

Dear Colleagues,

Words sting. Luckily, payback is a real doozy. Show those dum-dums from your childhood what a nice pair of paws really look like!

Introducing the golf club. This revolutionary tool was once a secret amongst those with starched polos and Kangol caps. Well, the jig is up! Now you too can look pretty fly for an average guy.

Instructions

Uber to your 10-year reunion. (It’s best to stay anonymous to maintain the element of surprise here.) We recommend arriving approximately 30 minutes after the scheduled start time. This allows for maximum visibility amongst all attendees.

Casually exit the vehicle with your NEW golf club in your hand of choice.

Pretend to wrap up an important call to the butler with your free hand. Sample dialogue might include, “And be sure to have the champs chilled before we return for the evening, Winston. Pip pip!”

Look surprised to realize you are indeed at your high school reunion. “Why, it’s Jim from U.S. history! I hardly recognized you with that bald patch!”

IMPORTANT: Do not let go of your NEW golf club for the duration of the evening. Your hands have never looked better, and they know it.

Minor, relatively unimportant details

  • For Sale: MacGregor V-Foil clubs include 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 irons, putter and whatever a “G” actually is. Grounder? Golfer? Your guess is as good as mine.
  • Price: $200 seem fair?
  • Hardly used. A few squashed spiders and one fly. (That’s a story worth telling.)
  • A gift from someone who clearly won’t be attending my next birthday bash. Was told they were men’s clubs and “great for crushing it at the driving range.”

***Please reply only to me@genericcompany.com. Spam is for grandmothers.***