Madu Gonçalves
Aug 23, 2017 · 2 min read

I used to lie to myself.

A lot.

I lied, I lied and lied

about things such as love.

About how there wasn’t any in the world

and if there was,

it wasn’t for everybody.

Only few lucky ones could have it

And I wasn’t one of them.

Why? I was never sure.

Maybe it was something

in my genetics,

in my upbringing,

in my generation,

in my surroundings,

in myself.

Maybe it was something

about my body

either not loving enough

or loving too much,

swaying from extremes

like a child, going up

and down, in her swing,

building up the courage to

Jump.

At the right moment.

Perhaps, it was fear

that kept me in my place.

The true opposite of love.

Not only in this world,

but also in the universe

that my body is made of.

Fear, trying to devour me.

Black holes forcing

my constellations into

deadly supernovas

long before it was time.

In the darkest of hours,

Fear won.

I’ve let it, again

and again.

I lied, I lied and lied

about things such as my strength.

About how I could only do harm

if I ever used it.

I was willfully blinded,

caged by eight swords

that didn’t even need to touch me.

I turned myself

into a battlefield

with no winners,

for there’s only one fool

putting up the fight.

A sword waving in the air,

until it was too heavy

to carry around.

So I’ve decided

to put it down.

If I couldn’t love anyone

then I would love myself.

because it was never about

my parents, my friends

nor the boys I’ve wanted.

I find the truth in me,

my body, my soul.

I grow bigger than

the lies I’ve fed myself

all those years.

My eyes finally adjust

to the darkness within

and I find the light.

Oh, it’s so beautiful.

The light, I want to share it.

I want to share the thousands

of stars that live in

my beating heart.

I want to love

and to spread it

so gracefully that others

find the light within themselves.

I lied, I lied and lied.

There is love in the world

and it’s for everyone

who wants to reach it

even if they don’t know how, yet.


Part of the series: “I write to exorcise my demons

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Madu Gonçalves

Written by

brazilian, film major & young writer-to-be | https://amoremtinta.wixsite.com/maduesteveaqui