I used to lie to myself.
A lot.
I lied, I lied and lied
about things such as love.
About how there wasn’t any in the world
and if there was,
it wasn’t for everybody.
Only few lucky ones could have it
And I wasn’t one of them.
Why? I was never sure.
Maybe it was something
in my genetics,
in my upbringing,
in my generation,
in my surroundings,
in myself.
Maybe it was something
about my body
either not loving enough
or loving too much,
swaying from extremes
like a child, going up
and down, in her swing,
building up the courage to
Jump.
At the right moment.
Perhaps, it was fear
that kept me in my place.
The true opposite of love.
Not only in this world,
but also in the universe
that my body is made of.
Fear, trying to devour me.
Black holes forcing
my constellations into
deadly supernovas
long before it was time.
In the darkest of hours,
Fear won.
I’ve let it, again
and again.
I lied, I lied and lied
about things such as my strength.
About how I could only do harm
if I ever used it.
I was willfully blinded,
caged by eight swords
that didn’t even need to touch me.
I turned myself
into a battlefield
with no winners,
for there’s only one fool
putting up the fight.
A sword waving in the air,
until it was too heavy
to carry around.
So I’ve decided
to put it down.
If I couldn’t love anyone
then I would love myself.
because it was never about
my parents, my friends
nor the boys I’ve wanted.
I find the truth in me,
my body, my soul.
I grow bigger than
the lies I’ve fed myself
all those years.
My eyes finally adjust
to the darkness within
and I find the light.
Oh, it’s so beautiful.
The light, I want to share it.
I want to share the thousands
of stars that live in
my beating heart.
I want to love
and to spread it
so gracefully that others
find the light within themselves.
I lied, I lied and lied.
There is love in the world
and it’s for everyone
who wants to reach it
even if they don’t know how, yet.
Part of the series: “I write to exorcise my demons”
