The Conspiracy of Free Nipples
Walking around New York City lately I’ve noticed a very disturbing trend: women are tossing their cares to the wind and are going #bralessandflawless. Now I’m a lady all for feminism and the like, but this secret underground bra burning movement is something that shook me to my core.
I first noticed that something was up a few years back when suddenly all of the bras at Urban Outfitters seemed to lack the necessary support. Their new products for feminine upkeep were lacy little numbers that were sexy as hell but did nothing to aid in the quest for shapely tits. Then gradually the nipple coverage and protection began to disappear as well! Suddenly I saw perky nipples every which way! Even the mannequins in store windows were proudly flaunting their hypothermic chests! But I resisted. I’d wear pants on days I ought to have worn shorts, simply to keep my body temperature above nippy levels. I wasn’t about to let some businessmen tell me that my nipples were public property! I wasn’t about to fall prey to fellas sneaking peeks at all of my private information like some sort of ta-tas NSA!
I wasn’t too concerned, however. After all, it was only Urban Outfitters, and everyone knows their clothes are not made for even the moderately-endowed ladies. But understandably, my nerves were rattled when I glanced at the Victoria’s Secret website during the Semi-Annual Sale. I somehow managed to buy 4 bras for $80! Surely this had to be a sign. Such beacons of mammary perfection were being tossed to the masses like French Revolution cake! This was cause for concern.
Then suddenly, before my very eyes, the nipple became free. Women were falling prey to this terrorism of our bodies left and right! The streets of Manhattan became a place where a glimpse of a nipple didn’t require a meal or a nice conversation beforehand, but was entirely free for the taking!
Now, personally, I’m a fan of bras. I like a nice boob and can ogle ladies all day long, but I’ve gotta admit I like the mystery of a good bra. Sure, at the end of the day I rush home to rip the god forsaken torture device off of my body, and sure there are some shirts and dresses that manage to emphasize my assets best when I can be au naturale, but why denounce braziers altogether?! We ladies should want that scientifically perfected support system! If we’re giving the milk out for free, who will buy the cow anyways? A brazier enhances your natural beauty while leaving a little to the imagination of the onlooker. Plus they eliminate the bouncy saggy-ness that we try to hide for as many dates as it requires to finally be able to sleep in your SO’s t-shirt!
This whole phenomenon honestly leaves me reeling with questions: is this a sign of the patriarchy trying to further sexualize women’s bodies? Is THE MAN trying to get us down by removing our ability to hide ourselves from their leering glances? Or is this really a feminist movement aimed at desexualizing breasts so that women don’t have to keep the girls all cooped up?
OR … is this a rebellion against global warming and the sweat-soaked bras it inevitably produces? Is this our way of helping the environment?! Can we reallycut back on factory production costs, save the whales, and let that boob sweat drip off freely with the mere unhooking of two simple (well, simple for us ladies) clasps?
If it comes down to having to burn our bras for the environment, I guess then that is a cause I’ll wholeheartedly support. Maybe someday bras will be looked down upon in the same way as furs. But like I said, I enjoy a good bra and although wild breasts can be a lovely treat, I’ve gotta remind them who’s boss. I’ll treat bras the same way as I do furs: someone’s gotta wear the old ones once in a while!