Check yourself: The truth of accountability
Self-care. Everyone’s been raving about it. With the abundance of wellness guru’s and coaches, flat tummy tea’s and “treat yo-self” meme’s floating around the web these days its kind of hard to miss the apparent importance of ‘self-care’.
On February 14th, I relished in having one of the best Valentines Day’s of my life. In actuality, I’d only officially celebrated it once and that consisted of a bottle of wine, a movie and some Thai food to go with a long-term ex-boyfriend. But this year, I wanted to spend majority of this ‘holiday’ in solitude. So I drove to a park in my hometown, carried my journal and wrote myself a love letter. The night ended with a bottle of wine, shared laughs with my loved ones, a dinner date and late night reflection that left me with the utmost amount of love and gratitude in my heart.
Not even 23 hours later, I was in my room bawling my eyes out.
Lets get real here. Self-care may certainly consist of taking yourself out on a dates and reminding yourself that you are loved, you are enough and you are cared for. However, self-care is also having the willingness to be vulnerable, be accountable of yourself, and peer into the shadows of your heart in order to clear out the grime and dust. Many people interpret self-care to only consist of the enjoyments of mundane things to ensure the health of your well-being. Hell, I love glasses of wine, chocolate-kisses and manicures just as much as any other woman does. However, my biggest accomplishment has come from being able to look at the most hideous parts of myself and still accept and love me for who I am. It can be brutal sometimes. There are many nights that I spent questioning if I was good enough. “Why did you allow that treatment?” “Perhaps if you had put your foot down, you wouldn’t have needed to go through that.” “Why didn’t you put your foot down?” “Are you really that weak?” These questions derived from my ego are usually what prompt moments of shame. There are many times that I had to be reminded of the good woman I am. The journey to loving yourself is never easy. But the journey begins and ends with accountability.
What is accountability exactly? Accountability is simply being able to take responsibility of one’s own actions. Sounds simple right? Of course accountability is always easier said than done. What parts of you are you afraid to confront? For me, I’ve always been afraid of confronting deep instilled fears of not being good enough. When I am able to look at the lies, fears and doubts that my ego bombards me with, I can then assess where in the hell those ideas came from. More often than not they stem from places in my subconscious that I’ve never taken the time to heal from. Self-care is taking this ‘radical’ act of completely confronting and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Give yourself the room to make mistakes. Uncover every bit of shame that you may feel and allow yourself complete and total forgiveness. It has been in this confrontation that I found so much freedom to heal, love and embrace who I truly am. Now I can take myself to the park and write love letters to myself. Now I relish in my solitude because I love what I do, the things I’m interested in and my passions. All of my attributes are enduring to me because I genuinely believe that I am amazing. That doesn’t mean that I will always be joyful and worry-free, but I’ve finally been able to cultivate a relationship with myself that is more meaningful, raw and honest than with anyone else.
Some days I wake up in the morning, dance and twirl around my room and bellow with gratitude to the Lord above. Other days I’m asking for God to carry me through the day because I can barely carry myself. Joy comes and goes as well as does pain. But because I’m able to be so accountable and honest with myself, I can get through the pain of bad days much quicker than I could before. I don’t carry yesterdays hurt with me into the next day; I deal with what needs to be dealt with as it comes and let it go. And because of this, I’ve had TONS of more wonderful, loving and joyful days than I’ve had hateful and miserable ones. I’ve found so much love within myself and from this discovery; I’m willing to share it with everyone else. My cup is so full to overflowing that I can pour into others without draining myself. And when it’s not full, I reel back and only pour into me. Such is the balance of living.
Self-care isn’t just being able to physically take care of the vessel that God has given you. It’s being able to nurture your mind and soul with love, grace and total acceptance of where and who you are in this present moment. To be your own supporter, counselor, best friend, and lover — this is the truest measure of self-care.
