Day 9 of separation.
Every line is prefaced by a song for this one. I’ve heard them all. I could quote, and quote, and quote for every feeling I’ve had. But for now, I’ve pressed pause, or I will never move forward.
I know what has to happen, I have to fix myself or it will not get better. But my pain reaches deeper than I can express, and I wonder, shouldn’t my partner be picking me up? Another question that wrenches, add it to the pile. Why am I struggling through this without the assist of my husband? Why do I have to do this alone, and when I do, what will I think of him when I get to the other side? Will he be the one who abandoned me, or the one who emotionlly kicked my ass enough to do something about it?
Risks. Relationships are full of them. I have no idea what I will see when I move forward.
My friends, my family are also concerned, what will this look like? I went out with the friends who are housing him, and it was strained in the beginning. I’m sure they had no idea how to approach the situation. Neither did I. We went to see the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie. Luckily, it provided a lot of laughs. But afterwards, the question was brought forward, “We love hanging out with you as a couple, what does that look like right now?” I had to bow my head and tell them I didn’t know, and it wasn’t in my hands. Like some subserviant maid.
Although I hurt, I’m in pain, I’m no stranger to depression, I’ve always been a strong person, one of those, I don’t let no man tell ME what to do kind of ladies, but today, I feel like my hands are tied. I fight every feeling, every conversation, not to succumb to this “fuck this shit” mentality and hope I’m not making a fool of myself and everything I believe in. The power struggle is real.