What the fuck are you doing?

It seems completely cliché, self-help shit talk and all that jazz, but staying true to yourself is the key to (if not everything) almost absolutely everything that’s troubling you.

My 2016 started on a rough path, the roughest I’ve been in 10 years aproximately. I had troubles in a field I’m not too familiar with and I’ve learned more about me and about romantic relationships in three months than I’ve done in a whole decade.

I got lost in something that seemed THE WORLD for me, it seemed the root of all my problems (and ironically the solution to them as well) and having failed at it the way I did, it simply was too much for me.

If my past self had looked at me these three months it would have probably laughed and cheered me up…and the scary bit is, I never realized when the change happened. I guess it happens the same way some people have pets and they can’t actually see them growing as someone who gets to see them every three months or so.

I became this entirely different person, no, my personality didn’t change per se, but all the negative aspects of myself seemed to surge all at once, drowning the good ones. And I lost something that seemed impossible to me before: I lost the ability to be myself, to stay true to the things I liked the most.

Then one day it clicked, it was as if someone moved a switch within me, I stood up, I remember I was arriving home and something suddenly hit me: “What the fuck are you doing? Just…fucking stop. You were here before all of these things started, you were happy and things were going alright…and you WILL BE THERE after they’re gone, no matter what happens.”

And somehow things changed, I sat down and even when I was drowning in grief, I conditioned myself to that idea, and it helped a lot. Sometimes the simple things work best, I had to concentrate on remembering all the little things that were part of myself, about how they made me happy and how (even if they were related to my problem somehow) they were STILL MINE, I had worked on them and through knowledge, care and disposition I had my own opinion on them and nothing was wrong. And things started getting better.

This is not a self-help text, I hate self-help things the way authors write about them in their books and try to sell you a lifestyle saying you have to trust and things will get better.

No.

You have to make things happen yourself, you come first and that’s what’s important. If everyone took care of themselves (without being assholes, of couse) the world would be a better place.

Want something? Just go and fucking ask even if it seems idiotic, just…just fucking do it, trust me (just put a bit of thought on how you’re asking, don’t be that much of an empty-headed dick).

I wrote this to vent a bit about things, but I am somehow inspired to write a bit more about making decisions.

Cheers.

A.

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