Hey Donald, I have a great idea! Why don’t we switch jobs?

Maeve Higgins
Feb 15, 2017 · 3 min read

“Hey, Donald, I have a great idea. Why don’t we switch jobs? You take over TV, because you’re such an expert in ratings. And I take over your job. And then people can finally sleep comfortably again.” — Arnold Schwarzenegger, February 2, 2017

Same! I can switch jobs with you, Donald. Here’s how your week looks.

You and your books!

Sunday: it’s bookclub and you are hosting! Three of the girls are pregnant but four are about to be mothers! If Pence is helping you with the salads, maybe don’t mention that.

Shiraz and Nao getting married in City Hall — Nao was born in Japan!

Monday: The thing that keeps you busiest, especially these days (!) is your comedy podcast about immigration, Maeve In America. Let the people talk, they need to. Still, you must try to inject levity where you can, these immigrants can be a real downer right now. But whatever you do, don’t do impressions of their accents.

Tuesday: You’ve got a 10 minute set in the bar of a Brooklyn basement. Good news: It pays! Twenty big ones. Bad news: Even though you live in Brooklyn, the show is an hour away. Don’t do your Bernie stuff.

Uh oh — eczema!

Wednesday: Babysitting time! Get your money, girl. It’s pretty easy. You just pick up the girlse and bring them to a playground. While they run around you can kick it with the other babysitters, they’ll be the older ladies from the Caribbean giving you advice. Like ‘get married to anyone who lives in this neighborhood’ and ‘put paraffin gel on her eczema.’ You must then put paraffin gel on the shy child’s eczema.

Thursday: Go hang out with Zaza, and try and get some tape of him at work. He manages a fancy luggage store in midtown, the address is written on a Shake Shack receipt in your purse. He’s a Syrian asylum seeker but you don’t need to be scared. Just don’t mention “the ban” because he’ll get sad about never seeing his family again, and it’s no fun to see this big cuddly guy getting sad.

Zaza and his baby boy Karim

Friday: Some pals are doing a benefit night for an awesome organization called IRAP and you’re invited. Basically, a night of spoken word poetry. You find that difficult to sit through — we all do! Tell them you have cramps, but do make a donation.

Saturday: Call home. Fend off questions about why you’ve chosen to stay in America despite the current political climate. Explain how great it still is here. Uh, hello! Shake Shack! Make a sign — it should say something catchy, like President Evil, get it? It’s a play on Resident Evil?! Then go meet your friends at the protest. On the way home, stop off at a bodega and try to convince the Yemeni owner to give you a deal on icecream.

Maeve Higgins

Written by

immigration//podcasting//snacking www.maeveinamerica.com

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