Sometimes you just sit back and think about the things that are happening around you. You become aware and start worrying about how this happened, how did you give your self away to misery and ended in the lowest point of your life.
I’ve always ran away from unhappiness but just now I feel it caught me and it’s making everything disappear. It creates this void inside me that looks for it to be filled with something I can’t identify, that I can’t grasp and put my hands on it. For now I feel it with whatever I find and think should be mine, but it’s not enough, it just feels more empty, I need more and the void keeps growing; I begin to feel hopeless and heavy, everything starts to ache and decay.
When I decided to move away from home I didn’t really need it, but I was running away from everything I was feeling, didn’t know how to deal with my confusion, with so many emotions,and thought that by making an act of disappearance from my normal life it would just go away and everything would return to when I was ok. Obviously it did’t work, one should be well aware that problems come within you and you can’t leave yourself back home, you take yourself to wherever you are moving. There’s no escape from yourself.
I took with me the misery I was feeling back home, the nothing I was living in, the nothing that even though it was nothing, it kept me fine, I was ok but instead of making things better as I was living them, I cut everything away and left my life unresolved. I took it so far away that it feels that I’m in pause, like I can’t really do anything until I’m back. I feel static and it makes things worst, harder, because my problems are there, stopped, suspended on nothing while they grow, they are pressing me against the floor. I just wanna run away from this. I want to go home.