they drew me
they drew me
incorrectly
or maybe correctly
not the way i saw myself
not the way my mother spoke to me about beauty
and worth
so many arrows
pointing at everything
my eyes
the ones i thought
the ones that were
the only things
i loved
the ones that are
traitors now
“too tall”
“ugly teeth”
every part
things i had wondered about
and feared
became all i was worth
and when she cried to me
my best friend
the one that drew this
diagram
dissecting
anything i had left
i told her
i love you
and i wondered how
or when
i learned to love things
that drew me incorrectly
that night
in your bed
you never asked
or maybe you did
i remember saying no
so many times
you made me repeat it
over and over
“to make sure”
until finally i wondered
if something was wrong with me
for not wanting it
or you
if maybe this is how everyone else loved
or made love
or fucked
if i was missing something
about bodies
and how they should touch each other
something you claimed to know
still
it hurt
“no”
“didn’t i say no?!”
and you held my hands down
you held me in place
you monster
and for a second there
i thought
i’ll never get this
ever
whatever love
or fucking is
“you shouldn’t let me be on top”
“or instinct will take over”
instinct — the thing i haven’t been able to trust
since being wrong about you
your instinct
that you valued
more than my
pleading
and when i saw you in a bar
months later
i ran out
and ran back in
in the hopes that i’d run into you
to rewrite the story
to prove that something good
happened that night
“how have you been”
you said
destroying me
and then
“i love you”
by accident
a routine
and i wondered how
or when
you learned to fake love
to fill an apology
and i ran back to a girl
who made me feel seen
who i sometimes thought about
naked
and i couldn’t tell
whether this was love
or just longing for something else
and then i let the anger
and the smoke fill my lungs
i starved myself
and told her to run harder
you “weak bitch”
until she felt like she was flying
until she felt like superman
the girl who was
“too tall”
with “ugly teeth”
and “weird hair”
who doesn’t know how to love
herself
without letting it get to her head
who wants a new drawing
and body
and the personality of the kind of girl who doesn’t care
about these kinds of things
who is drawing a new picture
who is walking out of your room
and getting herself a cab home
who is tucking herself in
who is waking up
again.