New and Relevant

Based on items in your search history, we make the following recommendations:

-Your reading habits tend toward popular science fiction for Kindle, but we know you’re not actually using your Kindle. You never turn it on (we keep track of this). Based on this information, we recommend you pick up a copy of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Don’t order it here; steal it from a bookstore and quickly make it look like you’ve read it. Fair warning: you probably shouldn’t bother reading any of the middle bits. Books that are heavily used tend to warp outward at the corners, so you can just read the first and last twenty pages or so, which should also give you a pretty good idea of the most important plot points.

-You have been looking at fitted oxford dress shirts in women’s medium for the past year and returning nearly half of your purchases in this category. Based on this information, plus your penchant for bulk Japanese candy, we recommend the following item: Large women’s fitted oxford dress shirt, in black.

-Guess what else we are able to track? Your instant viewing habits! You’ve watched Transparent, but you didn’t rate it. Do that now, and remember: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

-You allow all of the Prime eligible items in your cart to expire after you select them. Those same items are purchased by an account belonging to your mother, who has Prime shipping, and sent to your listed shipping address. For the love of God, you’re twenty-nine, get your own Amazon Prime account and stop using your mother as an intermediary at your own convenience. You only call when you need something shipped.

-Time to reorder Family Pack Chocolate Pocky!

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