49 shades of me.

Why 49 Shades of ME instead of 50 shades as the popular soft-core porn book and movie espouse…?

Well, reason number 48, I can’t afford to be sued. And 49 because I always seem to need one more: one more pill; one more drink; one more cigarette; one more cup of Starbuck’s coffee or Coca-cola; one more fuck (or a fuck one level freakier, funkier, or faster than the last); one more impulse buy that I don’t really need, but really want; one more, one more, one more!

I am every brand’s ideal customer. I don’t subscribe to the idea that to look good for others I need to spend a large fortune on designer clothing– but I do prefer my brand name coffee, cigarettes, beverages (even alcoholic), condoms… you get the drift. Sales-people love me because I will often buy a warranty that I don’t need, won’t use or will lose track of.

Yes, I am ‘that girl’, just not an ‘it’ girl (thank god!).

So back to that pesky 49th shade…

I’ve spent a great deal of my life feeling out of place, unsettled and disconnected from the world at large. In any group of more than 4 or more peers, I feel like the creeper, even if those 4 peers are friends. I feel constantly one foot out the door and another out the window, trying desperately to stay ahead of the consequences of my actions. I even feel like the black sheep in my family, feel like an absentee mother, and a poor performing employee. In fact, in any area of my life that I am not OVER-doing, I feel I am UNDER-doing. I have countless lists and each unticked box laughs at me like some strange Minecraft creature, ready to explode. Anytime someone laughs, I assume they are mocking me. Anytime someone looks away from me when doing that awkward smile-on-the-street thing we do to feel like good people and feel as if we had hidden our secrets from at least THAT person; I assume they have just judged me, found me wanting, and uncovered my biggest and worst secrets– all in that tiny glance/smile.

So this blog is NOT about how enlightened and spiritual I am, or how I am working to overcome my flaws, or how I am trying to save the world one unhappy person at a time; no, this blog is just the stuff in my head that feel that burning need to pour out electronically for this world of strangers. Hopefully someone other than my family or friends (who I figure have already written me off as “no-good” due to the countless lists of my crimes stapled to my forehead) will read this and either:

a- judge me based on the truly sick stuff I am pouring out of my soul here
 b- walk away feeling good about THEIR lives because at least they are not me
 c- or, worst case, send the white van guys with the huggy-jackets after me.

Either way, I’m writing this for me.

And it COULD get spiritual, or dirty, or kinky, or scary, or insane, or any number of things that happen to tumble out of my coconut on any given day. Trust me, I’ll be as surprised about the content as you will be. And sorry guys, there will probably be a lot about my family growing up. Sorry in advance if there is anything too hurtful here. Remember that I am in pain too and the best way to remove the pain is to show it the light of day or — in this case– blog. Oh and there will be random babbling of super-sappy poetry that I thought was painfully important at the time and usually look back in embarrassment. And yes, it is all about ME. I am narcissism with a conscience.

Keep coming back. I offer no incentive other than my content. You can subscribe to get it sent to your email if you are like me and already have a gazillion bookmarks and can never seem to find THAT website that you saw yesterday, no matter how you try to spell it on Google. (And before you suggest I check my browser history– children have some access to electronic devices so they are all set to self-destruct the caches when closed.)