on limitations and perspective
turning 35 shook something loose in me in terms of aging and lost ability, and i’m not sure how or why. part of it, i think, was spending most of this year dealing with the torn ankle tendon. such a mild injury in the grand scheme - i’ve been hurt way worse from a pain perspective - but so limiting. SO limiting. this whole year, i’ve been unable to shake the sense that my complement of time on earth is limited and it’s going faster and faster each day.
this is not exactly rational thinking on my part. if things progress naturally, i’ve ostensibly got way more time left than has passed by. but i just feel so behind the eight-ball on everything. and frankly, it’s uncomfortable as hell.
one of the challenges of coping with life in the age of EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME is that we can see so many more possibilities than we used to. before, the world could be very small, depending on who and where you were. fear of missing out is a widespread concept in 2016 in pertinent part because it was a lot easier not to know what you were missing in 1986. ages ago, i read this book called the paradox of choice, the crux of which is that the more options a human brain has, the harder it is to make a choice. the author had the grocery store in mind — too many jars of jelly make it hard to buy jelly, he posited — but i feel this in my soul when it comes to life choices.
what do i study? what should i learn? where should i live? what should i do with my professional life? is this the right path, or is there another?
WHAT TO FREAKING DO ALREADY?
in an era where the possibilities look limitless, there are a couple of important things to remember.
- the possibilities for any one person are really not limitless, even if they look it. there are going to be constraints on each and every one of us that cut some things off. some are unfair, so challenge those; others are just plain unavoidable.
- there’s not a final grade on this life. despite the editorial-cartoon trope of a bearded white dude in a halo with a gradebook tut-tutting you for what you did or didn’t do, that’s not a thing.
i need to get it together a little about this maudlin ohhhh, i’m 35, it’s all coming to an ennnnndddddd business. that’s just not true. i just need to remind myself that even though there are a million things to see and do that all pique my interest, it’s not a judgment on me or my worth if i don’t get them all done. i CAN’T get them all done. i can’t get fluent in spanish, french, and irish this year, no matter what duolingo tells me. i can’t earn all the master’s degrees in the universe, no matter how sweet the curricula look. i can’t take all the exercise/dance/yoga classes that look interesting to me - i have to go to work and i’d fall down if i exercised that much in a day.
and it’s cool. that’s not me losing out on life. i just need to keep that in mind. the world is a fascinating, diverse, abundant place filled with possibilities. no one person can experience it all. and that’s ok.
