More Than Just a Game
Hailey Young
4

Hey Hailey

This was a very good read; I enjoyed it a lot. I liked the structure of your piece and the use of YouTube videos to underline your arguments. Also, I liked the personal voice in the writing — how you talked about your own experience with video games. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Spyro the dragon. Good times.

I found the introduction — the first 5–6 paragraphs — to be a little dull compare to the rest of your piece. Perhaps you could begin with a personal touch. For instance talk about your first memory playing video games or why video games are so important to you. I think we all have many good memories playing video games growing up. I know I have. Then you can make a smooth transition to the more factual stuff later on.

And maybe you can come up with a more attention grabbing headline.

Good Work :)

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