I see you

We all want to be understood.

We all hold ourselves back a bit, fearing what the people closest to us might think and say.

We have parts of us that are hidden that we never share because of the fear of rejection.

We are all a bit scared of revealing who we truly are.

Childhood teaches us that other people don’t like difference. So we learn to conform, to hide ourselves in plain sight.

And then, when we are adults and if we are lucky, we meet the ONE. The person who “gets” us more then anyone ever has.

And still we hold ourselves back because we are afraid. Now, maybe more than ever, because the stakes are so high. The possible pain of rejection too much of a deterrent from bringing all of ourselves into the adult relationship that matters the most.

Regret number three of the dying, as discovered by a nurse called Bronnie Ware:

I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

All this week I’m going to be writing about relationships. And one of the biggest limitations I have put on myself in creating remarkable relationships, and one I have seen in others; is holding myself back and not expressing myself and my feelings. I’ve been scared what people are going to think, so I don’t bring all of myself into the relationship.

Quite recently I realised that those fears are all in my head and are there because I have made a decision that I am going to be judged about some things by the person with whom I am in a relationship. I have decided in advance how they are going to react, and I haven’t given them the chance. My bad.

But everybody does this: hold themselves back in some way. Understanding this, and acting on it is one of the most powerful ways to build remarkable relationships. In all my important relationships I try as hard as I can to learn the truth from people about what they think and feel. Even in those times when they are acting up, and behaving in ways I don’t like. It’s tough but those are the times when it’s especially important to find out what they feel, and why they are behaving as they are.

Every time I put aside what I feel for a minute and really work hard at understanding them, I achieve a deeper level in that relationship. Yes, they might have done something that annoyed me but why is that? It’s not the first time, so what does this mean? Let’s ask them how they feel, in a way that they see comes from a genuine place of seeking first to understand, before being understood.

Everyone holds themselves back, and everyone feels better and closer when they have expressed what they truly feel to the person they are in a relationship with.

It turns out that three of the most important words you can say in any relationship are:

“I see you”

Because when you do, the other person knows that you care, and they feel safe in sharing even more of themselves to you.

We all want to be understood.

We all want to be seen for who we truly are.

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