In Defense of Suge Knight

So, the thing about me is, I am like Jesus. Not in the sense that I am the Messiah (that is my ex, Tom Lehman) but moreso in the sense that I have love for those who no one loves. I love everyone, I believe there is good in everyone. Maybe it’s cause I watched Star Wars too much when I was a kid, I was a nerd…

Suge Knight is having a REALLY BAD YEAR. His life right now reminds me of my life in 2013.. and not just cause he probably has a brain tumor. The brain tumor, in both his case and mine, is more of a metonym of everything else that is wrong in his Sugedom.

Suge is obviously, in many ways, a bad man. He seems to have little respect for laws, he marches to the beat of his own drummer. I wouldn’t want Suge to marry my sister. He is creepy! But — to quote Luke Skywalker, “there is good in him..” None of us are perfect, after all. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone..

Furthermore, I feel like somebody has got to stand up for Suge because this man made a big difference in hip-hop. He changed the entire dynamic of the genre. And now, everybody just says mean stuff about him. He is basically Maboo Version 1.0…

Before Suge Knight, all the managers in hip-hop were white. He was the first black guy to rip off black artists, rather than some white guy ripping them off. That’s respectable… errm… kinda…no?

Suge flushed Vanilla Ice’s head down the toilet — come on, that’s pretty cool! He was the #1 person responsible for putting Robert Van Winkle to sleep. Think about how shitty Vanilla Ice’s music was — even his 1-hit-wonder single “Ice Ice Baby” was basically just a hit because of the rip-off sample. Suge flushed that motherfucker’s head down the toilet! In doing so, he acted on behalf of all music lovers — and we need to appreciate that.

One thing that really annoys me is when conspiracy theorists accuse Suge of killing 2Pac. Suge was in the car with 2Pac when he got shot, and one of the bullets grazed Suge. Are you people trippin? If I was going to kill someone, my sneaky conspiracy would certainly not involve any self-grazing, I assure you. Also, you gotta think, even if it was a conspiracy — that is such a thug move that even 2pac himself would have to respect it.

Suge got shot SIX TIMES (6) at Chris Brown’s party and he walked himself to the ambulance. That is admirable. It seemed as though the bullets didn’t even phase Suge. I’m pretty sure even a single bullet would kill me , even though I do a lot of yoga. If I got shot and survived, I certainly would not be able to walk myself to an ambulance. I would probably start crying and saying crazy stuff.

Suge even refused to talk to police about the shooting; he is the sort of man who refuses to throw his own ethical principles under foot, even when it serves him to do so. Suge will never snitch. I could see Cam’ron snitching before Suge snitches.

Suge ran over his friend several times in an Escalade, crushing him to death. But I ask you: which of us has not, at one point, gotten so upset with our friends that we want to crush them to death? Suge took it too far, perhaps — but his crime is understandable.

Furthermore, I totally support Suge stealing the paparazzi’s camera in the month before he ran over his friend. The paparazzi was being annoying! I’m sure, deep down inside, every celebrity is thinking to themself “GO SUGE!” but they aren’t allowed to voice it because nobody is allowed to say anything nice about Suge, ever.

His comment to the (female) paparazzi — “I am going to call a girl over here to beat your ass” — can be construed as sexist, but I also find it rather chivalrous. Essentially, Suge is expressing the sentiment — a worthwhile sentiment, in my opinion — that a man is never permitted to harm a woman, under any circumstances. Sorry if this sounds too Iranian, but it is how I feel..

And finally, I just want to say, Suge has a really cool name and I like the spelling.