Finding the Beauty in my Brokenness
“Before I ever met you
I never knew that my heart could love so hard
Before I ever met you
I never knew I could be enemies with disregard
Before I ever met you
I never knew that I liked to be kissed for days
Before I ever met you
I never knew I could be broken in so many ways”
- Before I Every Met You by Banks
My healing process is moving along as it should. As I mentioned, this process is not a cake walk. When I’m up, I’m up. When I’m down, I’m down. In recent days I have recognized what keeps me down or why I still feel the hurt. It’s a few things but the main thing has been my feelings of rejection and being easily tossed away, especially when I invested (precious) time with someone.
During one of my low moments, I found myself sitting in church and looking over the announcements. My eyes lit up when I saw that the first lady of my church was one of the presenters at an upcoming women’s empowerment conference at another house of worship. The theme hit right on time as it centered around “brokenness.” I immediately made plans to attend, but the closer the date came I was nervous and work came knocking.
Somewhere in between, another opportunity with work came calling. I jumped on it and I’ve been on that road ever since. However, there was a work event I had to attend the same day as the women’s conference. Did I mention the church the conference was taking place was nearly an hour outside of D.C.? Nevertheless I made it work! I received a wonderful blessing of confirmation, further understanding of my process and encouragement to stay the course AND I made it back to the city in time to attend the work related event.
To kick things off, Lady Terry Griffin of Soul Harvest Church and Ministries did a full presentation on the breaking process. She pointed out that the breaking process can be gradual or sudden and that God breaks each of us differently. Most importantly, in the process, God removes those things that we are dependent on. A perfect example she gave was a fruit tree.
From her presentation:
“When I look at the fruit tree, we cut off the dead branches that will harm the tree, and prune the good branches way back to allow new growth in the spring. If the tree could talk it would yell ‘STOP! IT HURTS!!’ In order to bear good fruit in the summer, the hard pruning is necessary. In order to be fruit bearing and useful to God, He must do the same to us.”
She went on to say:
“God will break you to position you. He will break you to promote you and break you to put you in your right place, but when He breaks you, He doesn’t do it to hurt you. When He breaks you, He doesn’t destroy you. He does it with grace, unmerited favor.”
From there, my first lady, Rev. Dr. E. Faith Bell of Peace Baptist Church, followed up with “The Beauty In My Brokenness.” To back up a bit, days before the conference I took one of my favorite necklaces back to its “home,” Tiffany and Co. I purchased the necklace years ago in my 20s during my federal government days. It was my way of rewarding myself for working hard. However, over the years I neglected it as I eventually put it to the side and let the sterling silver tarnish. When I decided to wear it again, it had tarnished so bad from improper care, the little home cleaning I attempted by wiping the tarnish away with a jewelry cloth didn’t work.
I eventually took it back to the store where they welcomed it and immediately placed it in quality care. I watched how the associate took my poor severely tarnished necklace and placed it in a soft jewelry case. I thought then to take a “before” photo to show how bad it was, but decided not to. I returned 72 hours later and when I received my necklace it was as if it was brand new!!!
I thought about this during the women’s empowerment conference. I thought about how I, at some point, stopped tending to or taking proper care of myself, especially mentally and spiritually. I put my body through a lot of emotional stress (which I do wonder if that triggered my now issues with vertigo) while in my relationship and after. By the time my relationship with my ex ended and my ties with the friend severed, I was “tarnished” and “broken.” Dreams or ideas that I was once married to had blown up in my face. My heart, spirit and perhaps even my self-esteem were shattered. In the fog of my confusion and in my tarnished and broken state I turned to God.
And then, that day of the conference, my first lady reminded me not all that is broken is a lost cause. In using a glass fixture or lamp as her example. First lady reminded us all that there is virtually no way to reattach slivers, chips and dust from broken glass. “Even when professionally glued, the lamp fixtures will likely have visible hairline fractures where broken pieces have been glued together,” she said.
From there, even as she incorporated a little exercise, she emphasized how once we have broken down and sought refuge in God, He will take special care in putting us back together, even those who may feel they are on the outside of his grace. It may not be in factory or brand new shape, but He will allow a different kind of beauty to be seen and shine through as we are healing. My first lady also covered the process of gluing the glass fixture back together; even down to holding it under a UV light so that most of the rays shine through the glass and onto the glue that is holding it together.
This week will mark a year when my world (relationship) began to unravel. Even in this healing process I’ve come a ways since last fall. Clearly I still have work to do, but I cherish the days that I find myself looking for the next adventure and sometimes filled with a sense of hope of the possibilities on the horizon. I’ve enjoyed focusing on what’s next, especially as I’ve been inspired by a few others lately.
I’ve also recognized the beauty in my brokenness can be found in the tears I shed some days, the smile that flashes when something brings me joy and the disheveled mess I can be some days verses the done up vixen I can be. It’s in my writings. It’s when I let my feelings show (even in the most non-tactful way). It’s in my work. It’s even in the eclectic music selection I blast loudly in my car. You never know if I’m listening to Sounds of Blackness or Richard Smallwood, Lizzo, a mix by DJ Black Coffee, Wu-Tang, Buju Banton, Rick Ross or a Trina and Meagan The Stallion mix.
I do admit, one of the hardest things about the healing process are the moments you find yourself alone when you yearn to spend time or share moments of your life with someone special, but then you feel psycho because when someone does pass your way, your reflex is to reject to protect.
For now I’m reminding myself to go slow and to trust the process, even on my low days. However, from have tea time with my ladies, to enjoying my college homecoming festivities and surrounding myself with those that want to see me smile and laugh more, my up days are starting to out number those low ones. Progress.
