It’s Okay to Walk Away.

These could be the thoughts of a mother involved in an abusive relationship, which can be threatening her life. The thing about relationships is that two people can light a spark instantly, but it’s always unknown what kind of fire the spark will light up. Unfortunately for some, it’s never the spark they wished or intended to light. The relationship turns into a nightmare that they can’t seem to find the courage or motivation to get out of. Although abuse might be one of the first characteristics we think of when describing an unhealthy relationship, researching the topic has exposed me to so many other factors that can classify an unhealthy relationship.

Learning about the different types of unhealthy relationships and the many reasons why some don’t leave has made me consider the challenges that may hinder someone from leaving a bad relationship. Just as the famous saying, “ it’s easier said than done”. As someone who previously questioned the absurdity of people who decided to stay and now understands, I want you share with you the reasons people choose to stay in hopes to change your perception about their actions.

There are many factors that inhibit a person from moving away and continuing their life without the other person. Many develop fears, enter a state of denial, hope for change, stay out of convenience, or have a low self esteem and choose to stay because being in a relationship makes them feel worthy.

Many develop fears, whether it’s a fear of being alone, being judged, being hurt, hurting the other person, or starting over. Darlene Lancer in Trapped in an Unhealthy Relationship, explains how the fear of being alone is a consequence of never actually experiencing being alone. As children we are constantly with our parents, then move on to hanging on to our friends. When one finds a partner they become their main company and tie “to their mate as they once were to their parents.” Developing a fear of being alone is not abnormal because through time we’ve always kept on one source of concrete company, and the thought of being able to be alone is unclear.

With fear comes the sense of denial, as in questioning if one could actually live without the person, or end up regretting leaving. When questioning whether to leave a relationship or not, we experience thoughts of not being able to live without the person. As Paulo Azouri says, “the worst thing is wondering, ‘what if’?” All of those what if’s cloud our judgment and don’t let us think what’s right. Those what if’s are the hope we create to think about the relationship further in the future and make it hard to let go.

The state of denial brings hope for change, hope that the other person will come to their senses and change for the better. For example, in a Huffington post by Brittany Wong, someone’s response to why she stayed in a bad relationship was because they “both kept hoping the other person would eventually change to be exactly the person we wanted them to be.” Hope is almost like a sword with two blades because it can offer you so much happiness for the future but hoping for that same happiness could destroy you if it never comes. In relation to this context, the hope for someone to change could be keeping you away from a better relationship.

Many decide to stay out of convenience, whether it’s for family, financial benefits, or to live up to a reputation. Hope is present in any bad relationship, but I find that hope is more prominent in families because parents often decide to stay with their partners just to keep their family together. One who has hope for change often “may rationalized, minimize, or excuse their partner’s behavior.” Couples who stay together to keep the family together are no longer compatible, which can only make the situation worse. Another reason for someone to stay would be for financial benefits, meaning that their partner who is abusing them puts the cash down for both of them. However, being a dependent of another person can cause a sense of unworthiness and inferiority. Others stay to keep up their reputation, for example, to maintain the imagine of the perfect family. Reputation could be important for those who have high standards for themselves, obtain leadership positions, or live by certain ideals, such as religion.

Lastly, low self-esteem is another factor that keeps people away from being able to move on because they are insecure if someone else could love them, or if they’re worth enough for someone else. The Dating Department explains how insecure thoughts like “who is going to love me” actually come from being a bad relationship because “can make you feel more and more insecure about yourself.” Often we’re so used to the idea of a person always being there that we can’t make one out without them, even if the relationship no longer works.

As there are many reasons why one shouldn’t leave a bad relationship, they’re plenty of other reason why not to stay. Yes, it’s easier said than done, but it’s better done than never. Take a leap and trust yourself, it’s never too late.