Hi Maggie,
I’ll start off with saying #metoo. 30 years it lasted. Life before that perfectly prepared me to be drawn into it. I thougt I could fix it. If only I made the right moves …
Now the coding-thing got me and reading through the comments there were a lot with a simmilar stories. There is a problem to be fixed, but its just too hard in the end. I am not a coder but sort of raised as a chess-player. To overcome a problem one needs to find the right move.
The thing is, life is not a game. Nor is it a coding-problem. Yes the abusers can be fixed sometimes, the game could end in victory. But fixing, even fixing yourself is the root of the problem. You do not fix yourself, at best you take away the misconception of who you are (and with that that frustrated behaviour this can cause) as you are a perfect human being. Now and have been ever since you’ve entered this world. Everybody is. Including all the narsistic abusers we had to deal with. Wonderful people with awful behaviour (caused by the trauma’s they have been put through). You cannot live with them. Often enough they cannot live with themselves and turn to drugs or whatever it takes not to feel the pain of being that awful person. To a point sometimes there is no real person in there to connect to.
It takes a professional to examen this. Or a lot of life-experience. Or maybe a combined look of a lot of seasoned people who take their life-experiences into their judgement.
Pretty hard just for you, with only a bit of coding-skills.
So stop fixing, coding, pondering the best move. These are the brain-things we’re so convinced of can solve things. Especially in our digital age where there is yes versus no, a plus versus a negative, 1 versus 0; a solution at the end. There is not.
Start feeling. Bring your heart back in. It will tell you what feels good and what does not. Feel the awsomeness of your abuser and feel the pain he causes you. Its both there. Now you need to decide and since its your life you need to act in your own interest. You need to be in a place that feels good!
You play the starring role in the movie of your life. You are also the director, if you are not you need to take control. Do you want that movie to be a tragedy? Do you want it to have a happy end?
Psychoanalisis is taking me out of my quest of finding the right moves to live. It teaches me to just feel and notice and than act. But its a struggle to let go. Let go of the coding your life.
Hoping I made a right move by posting this, but feeling I mean well.
Regards
