Touched By A Spider

OR HOW TO SHUDDER YOUR WAY TO COURAGE

A couple of weeks ago I had a dream about searching for spiders (for some reason!). When I gave up thinking I’d never find one a black spider crawled out of a crack in a stone bench I was standing next to. At first I couldn’t make out what it was — something in the crack was black, furry and wriggly. Then all of a sudden I felt her soft legs brush against my bare ones. This, of course, sent me into a flapping frenzy, catapulting me out of my dream and — thank god! — into the comforting whiteness of my freshly conditioned bed linen.

Long story short, and after a few days of thinking and interpreting, I realised the spider was one of my scariest shadows: my vulnerability. The horror I feel just thinking about being fragile, helpless, with my guard down in the company of others sends me to the same kind of anxiety delirium that the spider in my dream did.

So, in the name of discomfort (my theme from almost two months ago is still running, gathering quite a momentum too) and as a way of honouring the dream (me, my truth) I’m bringing my shadow — my vulnerability — out into the open.

My posts here on FB — for the last two months in particular — have been one way of feeling vulnerable in public.

Another way has arrived today. Silly? Definitely! But so effective too!

As I opened the box with the big black furry spider in it I was reliving my dream all over again! The crack of the box, the shiny hairs looking like they were moving. The revulsion and horror surged through me with the same intensity too but this time I was prepared. I didn’t flap, scream or run off in a frenzy. I couldn’t unpack the box for at least half an hour though. But hey, one step at the time!

The smaller spider key ring is less furry but far scarier. The idea is that every time I reach into my bag to get my house key I’ll have to experience that same feeling of being touched by a spider. Gulp.

But shudder me!!