SEPT ( I AM LOOKING FOR A TRANSLATOR)
In a language we cannot understand the holy spirit brings our complaints to God.
It translates what we can only feel
I am looking for a translator.
Someone to unburden my soul.
I open my mouth to explain
and I sigh
My profile picture is me, sitting in front of notebook searching for the right words. Searching for the perfect combination of sounds to make the point share the vision, tell the story.
I am searching for words.
Here am doing the same thing, searching for words to explain how broken my soul is without sounding broken, without pity, or drawing attention. I want to be honest. I want to share wounds without bleeding because blood is messy but Im dying.
I have spent a week in tears. Crying because I feel alone. Crying because my body is broken. Crying because I am alone. Crying because I sit on the porch and look outside and I want to run down the street and be silly and I can’t. Because if I do I will pay the consequences with shortness of breath and chest pains and just discomfort.
Crying because even though im not dead im not used to being still and being still feels like a death sentence. Crying because I do it anyway, I walk down the street and to the park and I get on the swing and Im free for a second and I know it’s gonna hurt soon.
Crying because everyone has a solution to my problems like I haven’t tried them all. Crying because I don’t “Look Sick”. I don’t look like something should be wrong with me. So, it makes it harder for people to understand.
Crying because the people I thought would be there for me aren’t. And the ones that are are too far a way to really matter and I don’t have someone just for me so I have is reaching, and I’ve reached out so much that I am tired of reaching, so I’ve just become silent and I have learned to accept things as they are.
Crying because there are no answers, no one has a clue what’s wrong with me. And there are moments that I get tired of the struggling so Im just in the house for days, because it’s easier.
Crying because the only person that I trust enough to be honest with misses the point so much that it turns on me and puts me in danger of losing him and that compounds the emptiness. I am so empty.
Crying because tears do nothing to solve problems and I know that I am wasting my time.
Crying because I have a business and a talent that requires me to focus and move forward and be present every day and I am sidelined by emotions
Crying because Im am a girl and logic is not enough to stop this river from flowing. Crying because I want someone to hold on tight to me when the tears double me over and all I have is myself and me holding on to me is still empty.
Crying, because I know that this can all be a lot worst and that it’s been worst and this it progress even though, I’m not moving on.
Crying because no one has asked me how I feel about all of this, my world changing stopping being put on hold for an disease or a problem that we don’t know the name of. Because no one simply asks how are, you. Not your body or your breathing but you and stays still long enough for an answer.
Crying because Im weak and strong at the same time.
Because I laugh when I speak, call to check on friends and acquaintances and pick up new clients all while I cry myself to sleep at night.
Crying because none of this matters anyway, the world did not stop because I got sick. Everyone around me has a life that keeps on going and moving and, the truth is I do to, but I have been haunted by tears…
I have been full of tears and seems that I have not run out.
I am searching for the words to heal myself, sounds to build fences around my soul.
I am speechless at the moment.
I am looking for a translator.