Hello. I was NOT “lazy”
It took me more than 6 months to look back at the memo from the annual feedback conversation where I bursted into tears for entire 20-min session. Within 30 second of reading the memo, a block of words just punched right into my face and made me burst into tears, AGAIN:
“Your choices did not always demonstrate sufficient self-awareness or role model leadership in alignment with our value proposition (e.g., misinterpreting rating protection as a mechanism to push less for a great outcome).”
That is a long way of saying “we think you are lazy.”
If I put myself into my reviewers’ shoes, I could see why “I was lazy”: In the first 2 months since I went back to work from months of short-term disabilities leave, I wanted to take my time to ramp back up/ to not rush into things that would set myself up for failure. In other words, it took me 2 months to get staffed onto a project while also helping leaders out on various not formally staffed asks. This, was perceived by the reviewers as not hustling enough. FWIW, I was working 80-hour week for the next 4 months and was so burned out and depressed that my pyschiatrist strongly recommended that I commit myself to an outpatient program.
So, here is lesson number one for me: do not rush back into work unless I am ready to go full into 80-hour week full on (more on this next time)
If you are reading this, you might want to ask” were your reviewers aware of your condition?”
The answer is a resounding yes and please please stop blaming the “victim” and sympathize with people or the institution who were not sympathizing here.
Did I sound defensive above? And here comes the twisted part where I hated myself a lot for:
- I hated finding myself blaming my reviewers for not understanding what I was struggling with. It is an emotion and thought that came right out when I first saw that line in the memo.
- I hated how I could see their points and why their views could make sense
- I hated how I am so used to denying my own feelings and justifying people who hurt me
- I hated how I rushed back to work when my mind and body was clearly not ready
I hate myself for harboring these emotions and thoughts within me and having constant inner fights.
I wish I could go back and find a better solution between trying to push through and quitting, but there is no Time Machine to travel back.
So this time, I am taking a long overdue gap: to give my body and mind time to heal, to explore and make note of the world and my surroundings, and maybe, there is a way we can make things work out better.
And because I know, I am not alone. I want to share my journey with those going something through similar, so they know they are not alone too.
There is a saying in Chinese that directly translates to “ because I was caught in the rain before, I want to hold an umbrella for others caught in the rain.”
This is a long way saying I want to pay it forward and make something positive happen.
Hence, here starts my Medium blog (and a tiny dose of positivity with a picture of rainbow taken on my flight home below
