My breakup with bulimia

by Malaine Lea Schmid

For over a decade I struggled with bulimia. Bulimia was my last stop on the road of eating disorders (I literally tried them all). Bulimia seemed to be “the one.” My soul mate eating disorder that made me feel alive, or so I thought. The reality was it was slowing killing me on a spiritual, emotional, and physical level.

I loved my bulimia so much that to break up seemed impossible, seemed unrealistic and seemed like something I would never do.

WHY?

Mainly because it gave me control and it kept me thin. It was my escape from reality, a illusionary world where I was in control of my fate and destiny. Even if the only control I had was over my body frame and weight it felt like I had the power of the world.

To surrender and breakup with bulimia took time but through these simple steps I transformed my life.

1. Finding a higher power relationship

By developing a relationship with a higher power of my own understanding I was able to truly surrender my will and my life. Most importantly I was able to surrender my eating disorder one day at a time to this higher power. Every time I had nasty judgmental thoughts of my body or thoughts of binging or thoughts of food I got on my knees and asked this higher power to lift the feeling. I wrote letters to the higher power turning over “my will” and “my control” instead asking for support, love and guidance. In times and moments were I thought I would turn back to my bulimia or disordered food behaviors I ask for help from the higher power, I ask for guidance, I pray and I meditated for the answers. I always get them. ALWAYS.

2. Develop a network and community that supports you

Being isolated and alone is an easy way for the eating disordered behavior to grow and thrive. Being in community and with others makes it harder to be bulimic and makes it easier to participate in life. I also made the decision to be vulnerable and share with others I trusted and loved my recovery journey. I knew if I told them my journey it would be harder to go back to the secretive lifestyle bulimia creates. It is also easier to ask for help in moments of desperation if others are aware of the situation.

3. No restrictions

Breaking up with bulimia for good gave the opportunity to stop limiting and restricting myself from life especially when it came to food. There are so many yummy and delicious foods out there that unless I could purge it I would not eat it. In my recovery I allow myself to eat whatever I want. In the beginning I craved things I restricted myself from more, although the cravings were less and less as time passed. As time passed my body craved the healthy things, I even crave kale now!

4. Love yourself hard

I hated myself and therefore I used bulimia and other disordered food behaviors to punish myself more. It was a terrible cycle. In my recovery loving myself unconditionally is a must. No more criticism, judgment and anger towards myself. In moments when I look in the mirror and I hear that judgmental voice I close my eyes and ask for love to be the only thing I see. The transformation is immediate.

The process of breaking up with bulimia took willingness and a desire to change. It didn’t happen overnight but any result worth creating takes time. Be gentle on yourself and know that there truly is nothing in life you cannot do.

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MALAINE SHORT BIO

Malaine Lea is the owner of Malaine Lea Inc., Lifestyle Architect and Spiritual Guide. As a woman of faith and spirituality Malaine has dedicated her life’s work to creating a world in which individuals’ connection to the Divine allows us each to accept healing, compassion and love of self in order to recognize our one-ness with each other and radically increase peace and love in the world. Hence her programs, Divine Rich; because THAT type of world is nothing but abundant.

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