Completing the Grief Cycle: A First-Person Account

We all get lost in trauma. When we go through tough times, it is difficult to know which direction is the right one, be it forward or backward or more difficult, up or down. The 360-degree confusion is usually an outcome of a sense of being overloaded and is common to those going through the cycle of separation from a spouse or children.

My Story of Separation and a Few Good Smiles

When I first heard of impending doom, my first reaction was one of shock. As I staggered through the day, trying hard to keep my work and daily work routine from being affected, there was no denying that I had been hit by the cannonball of contemporary divorce experience. Those around me were careful not to say it to my face but I heard the word ‘denial’ a couple of times. Not that I took it seriously, being from an older generation. We, who grew up in the 70s and 80s were accustomed to seeing our parents and elders stick it out in sheer ennui or ‘for the sake of the children.’

At least that is what I thought until I came across divorce statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau, American Community Survey, 2009, which clearly said that the marriage breakup rate in 2005 (per 1,000 people) was 3.6 which was the lowest rate since 1970. The highest rate was at 5.3 in the year 1981. Clearly, something was wrong about the way I felt about divorce.

Denial: The shock of breaking up caused me to deny ground reality. At first, it did not make sense to me. How could I deny what had hit me with catastrophic force? Till it occurred to me that all I wanted was a little time to ease the numbness of the shock. My coping mechanism had made me romanticize the earlier generation. Maybe it was living in New Jersey that led me to believe that things were better all around, since NJ has the lowest percentage of divorced individuals.

Anger: Once lawyers had met and the die was cast, I had to accept that I was slowly getting angry as hell with the way things were going. It seemed like the things that I was haggling with my wife were things we already enjoyed in our marriage like spending time with the kids. Now, I had to spend a whole lot of money and effort just to get what I had earlier and town hall seemed to have a laugh at my expense. What was good was the fact that my anger was looking for a target and that was an improvement from being lost and confused.

Negotiation: We do tend to remember the Almighty at our times of need. Other times, we are too busy being happy. After the anger died, I found myself looking for ways to express and balance myself. I had started to weigh alternative realities in my mind (If I had done this, maybe that would be different…).

Depression: My depression stage was different from my negotiation stage since I was no longer looking back and applying the old 20/20 hindsight. No, this stage was all about being present in the present and getting through each day step-by-step. There are so many complexities to keep in mind. This is a stage where most people let emotions stand in the way of rational decision making, and end up ruining their future, say experts at Ruvolo Law Group.

Acceptance: Yes, I heard it straight from the horse’s mouth; mine. One day I caught myself telling a friend, “I guess I have learned to accept it now.” No, I had not attained nirvana, nor were my problems over. I was nowhere close to the state of being I was before the divorce but I was clear-headed and making progress on my own steam. Acceptance does not make things the way they were, nor does it make you feel all right about your situation. It was all about building my new and sometimes painful reality brick-by-brick and by my own hand. Now that the cycle was complete, at least I was back in control of the events in my life and no longer felt lost.