I am finding myself??

“I am finding myself.” Interesting saying that many people say. You think that finding yourself would be just absolutely wonderful and a great adventure. Seeing yourself in that yoga pose you just perfected, standing by the Eiffel Tower in Paris, sitting in your shiny new Mercedes Benz. Feeling all magical and lighthearted. But in all honesty did you really find yourself? Did you really go deep down past all the layers you put up in front of your true self? Did you find anything that just made you slightly uncomfortable? Did you ask and answer all the questions that made you squirm? Well I did (still am)and it ain’t no walk in the park!!

I’ve started to realize that I was not where and who I wanted to be when I was around 28 years old. As a late bloomer I fell in love hard and fast at 28 years old. In that same year my heart was broken beyond repair. So what did I do, first I looked to others, both friends and lovers to find that happiness I thought I had. Second I decided to run away. Booked a one way ticket to South Korea to teach English for one year. Which turned out to be an amazing experience because it forced me to take a look in the mirror and face myself for a whole year. In between teaching, heading to Seoul for a weekend away from the village life or spending time with my “boyfriend”, I had many a face to face sessions with myself. I cried, got angry, self doubted myself, I was at my lowest level of negativity and drama. You know you hit an all time low when everything on your Facebook page is the sad sobbing story of your life that plays out like a bad drama. It’s where people who you think are your friends on Facebook give you there “I am here for you”, “Everything is going to be okay” spill. When in reality they are looking at your life happy because they know their life isn’t all that bad, which we all know ain’t true. We all have our shit to deal with. Social media just likes to seduce you into thinking that your shit isn’t as bad as someone’s shit. Yet in the end, it’s still shit!!! But I digress….

As I was self wallowing in Korea away from everyone who ever knew me, I ended up on YouTube watching this video call “The Secret”. So I heard about this book/video before but I never really watched or read it. And although many of you have read or watched this video thinking, “Oh god!! It sucked in another one.” I can say that when I was at my lowest in a foreign country watching this video, something in my mind clicked. I began looking at other videos that talked about thoughts and how our thoughts can really create the life we lead. I then found myself registering for my first 21 day meditation with Deepak and Oprah. Yes I am a Deepak and Oprah fan, and damn proud.

My first mediation experience was a complete failure. My mind at that time was a jumble of information, past memories, future expectations. I couldn’t quiet my mind to save my life. But because I was so desperate to find a way to be “happy” again I went through the whole 21 days. And then one day during my meditation, something happened that I never thought would happen. My mind for a moment went completely blank. I felt still and silent I was no where and yet everywhere at once. It felt so wonderful. I shut out the world for a moment where there was no judgement or self doubt or wallowing, but just still and well…..my true self! When I came out of it I felt completely at one yet I felt sadness for having to come back from the most peaceful moment I have ever had. I am getting better at getting back to that feeling, but it doesn’t happen all the time.

Toward the end of my stay in Korea (although I wished I would have stayed) I began working on really “finding myself”. When I got home I started to work with a “spiritual counselor” and to this day I am still working with her. But I’ve come to realize that, like with everyone, many of my issues had stemmed from my childhood. To the outside world it looked like I had a wonderful childhood. In fact, I thought I had a wonder childhood too. Grew up in Hawaii, went to the beach every weekend, played outside with the neighborhood kids. Seems perfect right?!?! Well when you have parents who had great intentions of raising you, but weren’t there for you emotionally and expected absolute perfection, that could do real damage to a child’s psyche that wouldn’t be discovered until my early 30’s. I guess better late than never. I didn’t realize that the layers of ego that I wore came from my childhood. Pretty much all of us start layering ourselves in what our parents and society thinks we should be, feel, or act. I always felt the need to be perfect. To have good grade, be polite all the time, have good manners outside of the house, to show everyone that I was a “GOOD” daughter. I put on many layers of I have to get really good grades, graduate from college with a business degree, get a good office job, become CEO of a profitable company, work for 30 years and retire so I could enjoy life. Sounds so exhausting, right?? I was even forbidden to take choir during my high school years because I had to take computer and business classes, so that I can prepare for college. Layer after layer of expectation and perfection!! As I added layers I was forced to strip the only creative art I was able to do. I couldn’t dance anymore because my parents wanted me to play sports, since it looks better on a transcript and now I could no longer sing because business classes were more important. Looking back now I realized I was stripped of all creative processes and felt like I wasn’t allowed to do anything creative or expressive for fear of not being what my parents and society wanted me to be. I am only now getting back into my creative and expressive side. Trying to peal the layers that I had to place over myself in order to accommodate everyone else.

In an effort to find myself, I didn’t go through fields of daises or walk by prancing unicorns. I have been pulled into the dirt, I’ve paddled in my own shit and have cried more times than I could count. “Finding myself” has been a pain in the ass and I am still on this journey. Sometimes I feel like quitting. Sometimes I just want to say, “screw finding myself. I’ll just stay the way I am. What’s so wrong with that?” If finding who we really, truly, and authentically are was that easy I guess everyone would do it and life would just be absolutely boring. I can say that even though I have to walk through the dirt and mud, every now and then I find a beautiful Lotus emerging out of the “yuckiness” of my journey. Not all of my journey has been “shit”. I’ve also had many wonderful and blessed experiences as well. I’ve become more confident in myself. I’ve become a lot braver, and I have realized that I don’t need to be perfect, although I am still working on my “I need to be perfection” mentality. I’ve also had the pleasure of finding women who are also going on the same journey as me and who have been a wonderful support system. We are walking through our own shit, but we are there with each other knowing that we are not going through this alone.

The journey of “finding myself” for me personally will probably take a lifetime. It’s been a wonderful adventure and although the journey has its rough patches, I have been absolutely blessed to know that I can shed all the layering that has been weighing me down. Being stripped of something so comfortable is scary and it’s no fun sometimes. But stripping those layers feels so good and allow you to be who you are. Your true authentic you. So for those going through their own shit journey, trust me you are not alone!!