It is okay to NOT be okay

For the past month I have learned so many things. I have learned that not having upper body strength does not mean that you can’t lift a 15 pound tray with one arm. I have learned that you can make friends really easily if Christ is in the middle of the relationship (or if ya’ll do not know each other and desperately need friends). I have learned that everything you do has a purpose in life — whether that being setting a table to perfection, or reading the word of God every morning. But most importantly I have learned it is okay to not be okay.

July 15th I talked about how I was leaving for a month to serve the Lord for a Younglife camp. Things were going amazing until July 19th my dining hall boss pulled me aside and told me that I needed to call my parents. Right away I was backtracking to see if I had done anything wrong. I had a gut feeling something bad was happening, so I called them in a frantic literally bawling my eyes out. Then my dad told me one of my really good friends had taken his life. Guys, when I say I broke down crying I mean that snot was running from my nose, my legs gave out, and the entire building could hear me sobbing. My immediate reaction was “I want to come home” but thank God my parents are smart and made me stay.

I came home for his funeral of course, but I went back to heal and grieve. Everyone asked me how I did it and how I got through everything, literally just God. Do not get me wrong I was mad at Him, I was even mad at my friend who had passed. “Why didn’t he tell me how he really felt before I left? Why did I have to be away? Why did he do this?” “God why did you let this happen? Why did you let him feel alone? Why did I have to be away?” Honestly, I may never understand any of this, but God made something evident to me — in 2 Timothy 3:9 Paul says, “But they will not make further progress, for their lack of understanding will be clear to all…” How I interpret this is that literally I have no clue what is going on, or what God has got going on. I am not going to understand anything without putting my faith in Him. I don’t know why God let this happen, but I may never understand and I just have to be okay with that and trust God.

I am a very stubborn person when it comes to my feelings. I have a wall built and it takes time and work for someone to break down my walls. Being away and having the most traumatic thing that has happened in my life happen there — barely knowing anyone, trying to stick with God, and still being stubborn to my feelings — was the hardest thing I have ever had to experience. God taught me how to set my pride aside and just breakdown in front of the people who wanted to comfort me and pray for me. I never really knew people pray for me until that month because 1. I could feel it and 2. they did it right in front of me. I still did not want people to know that I was breaking on the inside until one day I was bussing a table and my dining hall boss asked me how I was doing. Of course I give the normal response and say I am okay… She looked at me and said “ Ya know lil nugget? It is okay to not be okay.” Wow did I burst into tears. I always had to be strong for other people and build them up when I was breaking. But now I know that I can’t have a healthy relationship if I am not whole. I can’t put others before me if I am still breaking.

Mikey and I are bestfriends. We had a weird relationship and boy did we have our ups and downs. But Lord knows I could call that boy at 4 a.m. and he would answer. And Lord knows he did that more than enough times with me. He gave me advice when it came to boys. Telling me to “lay off him, he is a bum” and I did not listen to him and he told me “I told you so” when I got a broken heart. I tried to give him advice and build that boy up but his ego is already super high so it didn’t really matter what I said, he knows he is special. Mikey is a good guy who made stupid mistakes. Everyone makes the mistakes he made, but people are too prideful they would always make him out to be the bad guy. Then he would call me and let his anger out and yell and vent and then he would say “you’re a good person mal, I love you” and hang up the phone. I took everything he did and said for granted. Mikey changed my life on so many levels, and he and I would both say we have a rollercoaster relationship. But that superman Mike and his radiant smile will be in the middle of my heart for the rest of my life.