Oh dear, my sweet child

Malvika Thakur
Nov 2 · 3 min read

10 years, 10 beautifully threaded years I dreaded one moment in particular, the moment close to me losing you, your warmth, your innocence, your selfless love in a world full of madness and here I am writing this for you, while I am unwantedly breathing that very exact moment.

Sitting next to your motionless body, I can’t help but look at your dark eyes, eyes that once overflowed with excitement, eyes that are now drowning in fear, the fear that I lived with for a decade has now seeped into your soul. What am I feeling? I am dazed, struggling between thinking for you or for myself, if it was for me I would clench you close to my chest and never let that warmth get away but doing so would make you suffer and my dear baby, if my suffering meant your freedom, I would do it at this very moment.

This is the time when I live all our hazy lazy moments in my mind, you as a pupper gave birth to an extremely possessive and protective Malu, I remember fighting with everybody for you, I remember canceling all the plans for you, I remember the pain when I had to go away from you and I remember the joy I experienced when I used to get home after months, only to hold you in my arms! How can I forget the struggle every morning, when I pretended to sleep so you didn’t jump up for a walk and every time you made me guilty for not sharing my food with you. I shared my deepest secrets with you, from my fears to my fantasies and probably the things I couldn’t say but you felt them right away.

Our past was surreal, I can give up anything to watch you run towards me like you always did, bark at people coming to our house, try your best to escape your baths, prioritize Papa the most and me the least, eat like there is no tomorrow, but alas maybe there isn’t one for us, and here you are refusing to eat something as heavenly as chocolates. Every time I pet your forehead, I find my Brutus shriveled in pain between all the bones I feel. Every time I turn to look at you, all I check is if your skinny body is still moving with the faint breathes, and every time I do this, a part of me wants to see those delicate movements while the other me craves for stillness to take over your misery.

It is so fucking strange, I am waiting for something I was scared of for so long, maybe this is what love does to you, maybe this is how I become stronger or maybe this is how I perish. For you, I would do all of this, over and over again but right now all I want is to hold your lifeless body close to my heart when you are free of all the pain and all of it seeps into me. Oh, my dear sweet child you were, are and will always be engraved in my heart, so go gambol in that beautiful heaven full of balls, bones, and chicken because not very long from now, I will come to squish you again in my arms, for real, forever.

We euthanized Brutus 2 days after I wrote this, I would like to believe he is chilling up there and has finally found his girlfriend :)

Kid from the Mountains

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