What Even is Kinky?

*Hint: It’s all in your head.*

Kenna Cook
Oct 27, 2017 · 4 min read

The true mark of a kink practitioner is to have kinkster imposter syndrome – basically telling yourself, “I’m kinda kinky, but as kinky as THAT person. I must not be kinky at all.”

Whether you’ve got a closet full of leather harnesses or a tacklebox filled with clips and clamps, there is always someone who’s kink kit is bigger and badder. So what’s the secret to figuring out if you’re kinky enough to claim yourself a spot at the kinkster table?

Easy answer: stop comparing your kink to other people’s.

Kink, by definition, is the use of unconventional sexual practices, concepts or fantasies. It’s a play on “kink in the road,” a sharp twist in something that is otherwise straight. But what is determined to be a deviation from the sexual norm is all about context and culture.

Oral sex might be considered kinky in a conservative ultra-Christian community, while the ancient Moche tribe in Peru would regularly encourage anal sex during breastfeeding. The context (blowjobs aren’t for reproduction) and culture (the notion that orgasm increases breastmilk production) are what informs the kink in these examples.

Almost all Moche pottery depicts scenes of anal sex.

Just as gender and sexuality exist on a spectrum, so does kink. There isn’t a finish line you have to cross to get your “kink medal”. There is no such thing as the Kink Olympics – although the Citadel in San Francisco did host the Pegging and Blowjob Olympics, put on by Alice in Bondageland, who’s parents were both Olympic athletes.

Here are some kinks that are a great way to start out your kinky journey on a road that can get as twisted and curved as you want it to.

Rope

While it might seem weird to ask your partner to tie you up or suspend you from a beam, it is pretty common. Shibari, or the art of Japanese rope binding, has been around since the late 19th century. You can find bondage rope sold in almost any sexual pleasure shop and rope bondage classes are held in most sexuality event centers. You can find a list of Bay Area events at www.EroBay.com

Rope bondage should be taken seriously, and taking classes is important since the wrong tie can leave you with permanent nerve damage. If you aren't ready you jump into rope, bondage tape is a good alternative for binding.

Rope pin from Etsy

Spanking

Whether it is over the knee or with an impact toy like a wooden paddle or suede flogger, spankings stimulate blood flow and can give you a rush of adrenaline — which will increase your heart rate and make your body more sensitive to touch. Being on either side of the spanking can also produce a pleasurable effect, both being in control and giving control over to you partner. Safe spankings are important, and you can find out how to give a good spanking from helpful material like the How to Spank Guide at Good Vibrations.

PS – I’m teaching an Impact Play 101 class on November 22 in Sacramento if you want to explore how pain can bring you pleasure.

Exhibitionism/Vouyerism

This kink is pretty vanilla in comparison to the first two. Exhibitionism can be anything from knowing that your roommates can hear you having sex to the thrill of getting caught having sex in a semi-public place, like the beach or on a hiking trail. The exhilaration and danger of being caught by others can give you a surge of endorphins. Also, acts like stripping and taking sexy selfies are a form of exhibitionism. Flaunting your sexuality for others to see can be both empowering and a total turn-on.

Vouyerism is all about letting your eyes do all the work. You can practice your kink of getting turned on by watching what turns other people on through porn, going to kink events or dipping your toes into FetLife – also known as Facebook for the BDSM community.

Happy kinking!

Kenna Cook is a sex educator and silver medal kinkster. Keep up with her chaos on Twitter.

Kenna Cook

Written by

Sex-Positive Parent & Sex Educator | Pan, Poly & Proud | Honey Nut Queerio🌈 #TransLove #BlackLivesMatter

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