I realize now that my worst battle is between what I know and what I feel…. and the lies the fallacy

I came across this little anecdote, “Sticks and stone may break my bones. Words will also hurt me, compliments make me uncomfortable, I have social anxiety, and I am a wreck, just go.” It made me laugh, but it held a truth about me.
 
 Fixing something broken in you is daunting, it compels you to take a deep inward look at yourself. To sift through the events of one’s life, what I called a misuse of time. And, time something I didn’t have. My plate loaded with things that need doing.
 
 The house that needs cleaning, the dinner that would not cook itself, the laundry, the kid’s homework the list went on…. A worker bee.
 
 Who has time to be sentimental? To think about your higher self, I found motivational books a bore. Dig deep they would bemoan and I rolling my eyes think a luxury for the rich.
 
 I have never mourned anything at all in my life, never allowing myself to feel the loss. My response too many circumstances — build walls, walk away, and start over!
 
 Be strong! Said more times than I care to count — I understand the meaning, what it describes. So many facets of a person’s character and all admirable — It says you are resilient, you are sturdy, tough, solid and I have been all these things.
 
 The prescription I wrote did more harm. No healing for me, but I caught the dread disease “social anxiety” You wouldn’t know this if you met me. I am that person who believes that each one of us has something awesome and beautiful to give. As long as I wasn’t doing the giving.
 
 Shared wonderful times with unexpected people, made amazing friendships along the way and had life changing lessons from unexpected people.
 
 Happy around people until they get too close for comfort. Understandable for us, humans are social creatures our happiness depends on the quality of the relationships we create.

“Damn Carrie Bradshaw and his sex in city sisterhood”, I sit on the periphery of this intrinsic part of human evolution.
 
 In hindsight, I never learned what it meant or how I was supposed to apply it. Because of the word “be strong”, I learned to hide. I am choosing a different road, life a great teacher. I appreciate the words be strong knowing it doesn’t mean shying away from what makes us human… feeling.

Owning our emotions, our situations reacting to them regardless of how difficult things are, that is true strength. I am reading those motivational books and taking in the beautiful nuggets of truth from lives lived. Anxious, vulnerable but then again what might I dare realize if I opened myself a little more.

I am choosing to magnify different things in my life love, peace and authenticity. Trading in my ashes for beauty.