A Short Stand-Up Routine: The Life of a Cashier

Hey everybody! I’m Amanda, and I think I’m a stand-up comedian.

So, I’m going to assume that all of you here have once in your life experienced retail in some way. Bold assumption, I know. Whether you were the cashier, or the customer, I’m sure your experience wasn’t all that great.

Outside of school, I’m a part-time checker at a local grocery store here in the valley. And before you start to wonder, I do genuinely enjoy my job and the customers despite what I’m about to say. For the most part.

To start, I’d like for us all to get one thing straight, if my check stand light is on, and you don’t see a closed sign, then yes, I AM open. Crazy, right? Same thing kinda works when you see me getting my things together with my light off, and my closed sign up. That means NO, I AM NOT OPEN. Some of you might be thinking that this is common sense, but pretty much every one of you here has approached a cashier and asked “are you open?” and instead of that little voice inside their head saying “NO, I like to just come to work in my work clothes and stand here for fun,” they will look at you with a warm smile and say “I sure am!”

Now I’m sure many of you have already been introduced to the newest Satan's spawn of the chip reader in most stores. Just so you know, your cashier hates it as much as you do. Do you really think I enjoy standing there trying to explain to every customer on how to use it? I seriously have to say with a straight face “stick it in there, in the bottom, nope. Other way. No, no, no, you gotta leave it in there until it’s finished, oh no, you pulled it out too soon.” Do you hear how I sound right now?

Don’t even get me started about items that customers claim were rung up wrong. If you decide to fight me on the fact that you swore Fuji apples were really 38 cents a pound, instead of 48 cents, I literally might start screaming until you get confused and leave my line.

And one last thing to end with, if an item doesn’t ring up the first, second, third, or even the fourth time, no, it is not free.

Well that concludes my cashier jokes for tonight, thanks for coming out! I hope to see you next time and please remember to not be an asshole to your cashier!