What’s wrong with the response?
Rob Myers

If you think that’s all that it takes in order to make your response appropriate, then that answers your question, doesn’t it?

I know a great number of very-female-presenting people who don’t have ‘lady parts’ as you would think of them. They are, of course, lady parts, whether they are penises or vaginas, because they belong to self-identified ladies. But your obsession with — and yes, you’re pretty obsessed with this topic because you keep responding, within minutes, to every person who criticizes your approach or even says ‘this is the wrong way to do this’ or ‘you are being inappropriate and kinda gross’ — exactly why you can’t possibly be doing anything wrong.

Rather than quickly dashing off a response to me (also a non-binary person, and nope, I’m not going to tell you what’s in my pants) as to why it’s okay for you to focus on what’s in someone’s pants rather than what they’d prefer for you to call them, perhaps reflect for a moment on how you would feel if I insisted on calling you ‘she/her’ over your objections, and insisting that what’s in your pants are ‘lady parts’, or obsessing over what’s in your pants rather than simply respecting what you want to be called.

Or even easier, what if I just called you Dob Moyers? Would that bother you? If so, why? Is it because it isn’t your name? It isn’t what you want to be called? If I call you Dob Moyers when talking to other people when you’re not around, will that bother you? It bothers most people. Why? Because it isn’t what you want to be called. It’s not your name. So people should call you what you want to be called. We teach children this at a very young age. Why do so many adults seem to have a problem with it?

It’s not that difficult a concept.

More, don’t respond to someone’s thoughtful, lengthy article about their difficulties in femme spaces with reducing a person to their genitals. And please, please, never ever use the term “lady parts” again. Not only is it teeth-grindingly awful and patronizing, it’s inaccurate.

Several people seem to have tried to make this point, with little success, in conversing with you, so I’ll leave it with this, and this is my last response to you: I know it’s difficult to be told that you’re doing something incorrect, rude, or wrong. It’s very easy to get defensive and to insist that, no, I have to be right. It’s tough to stop for a second and say oh, yeah, you know what, maybe I was wrong, and I have to think a little more about how my words affect people. But in the end, focusing on what’s in people’s pants and asserting that you have the right to determine how people should address a person and that this person has not even the smallest right to say ‘this bothers me,’ that’s on you, not on them.

What you get to decide is how you respond to being told that you’re approaching it in a wince-worthy way. Do you take the time to reflect on it, or do you insist that you are right? Do you hurry off quick responses to everyone who tries to talk to you with demands as to what exactly you could have possibly done wrong, or do you take a second to think about it? Do you listen to the numerous people who have said ‘don’t do this thing,’ or do you insist that no, you must do it, you have the right to do it, how could anyone think anything else?

That you get to decide. Hopefully you’ll start choosing the former over the latter.