I Chose to be Happy…

Happiness is not always a choice. Sometimes life pushes you down to the base of the ocean and doesn’t let you pull away until you almost stop breathing…

It’s hard to keep going on when it happens every single day, many times a day, you struggle to loosen the grip around your hair that’s holding you down but it’s just too damn tight and you almost give up…

Lying down on my bed in broad daylight, unable to move, paralyzed with acute sadness and loneliness. I am aware that I am not moving. I try to wiggle my toes or move my hands and legs but I am physically unable to move any part of my body, not even my eye balls. I don’t know for how long did I stay like that, maybe I fell asleep too. Then my body jerked and I sat up, rubbed my eyes, shook my arms and shoulders. I got out of bed and got on with my day like nothing happened. He was watching TV in the next room, I went and sat with him, watching TV and him, he is oblivious of my gradual fall.

He doesn’t see me anymore. I am sure I am alive and visible to other people but when he looks at me, I feel may be just maybe I am a little invisible to him.

Depression made me quieter but at times too loud. It was either of the two extremes, but he didn’t realize and I didn’t say anything to him. I didn’t know what to say and how to say it. I wasn’t sure that I was depressed, I just needed a change, a break from life.

I almost gave up on even trying to get out this filthy, greasy, and stuck situation.

But then I realized the catch here is ‘ALMOST

After 2 or maybe 3 years of being miserable secretly, I realized that I haven’t drowned yet, each time that I have this feeling of drowning or free-falling into the dark abyss, I come back to normal when I almost give up… I never fully give up or else I wouldn’t be alive.

I hung on to this ‘almost’ and decided that this misery around me, this attitude of being a victim of the situation is all my thinking, my perception, my belief. What I want is to change my belief, change my thinking and actions towards my life. I need to move. I need to do something other than waiting for the day to be over. I want to be happy. I wasn’t born to be depressed, I was born to have a full life, a life full of love and bliss.

That’s when I moved out and started building a life for myself, one day at a time. It isn’t easy to do it when you haven’t done it in a long time. You need rock solid support from someone who genuinely cares for you. It can be a parent, or a friend, or a neighbor, anyone. But you need someone to lean on when you again inch towards almost giving up. Someone to help you pull up and get on your feet. Someone to untangle the fingers of grip from your hair…

I did it… I got up, dressed up, and walked out, never to come back. I am happy with my decisions, with no regrets. At times I wonder what happened, how things rolled from perfect to miserable. I no longer ponder over it with teary eyes and snuggled in a blanket. Now I ponder over it in amazement thinking that, “Wow, life is weird”. But in all its weirdness it never took away my choice to be happy… I just saw it a little late.

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