Sometimes am scared & it sounds like a night mare!!!!
Yes you got it right !!!! I am scared of quitting my job sometimes. No ,wait. I do not serve my family. My family doesn’t live on the money I earn .All the money i earn is either spent on myself or kept in savings account.The fact is my family will still live happily even if I stop earning.So it is not the money that is stopping me from quitting my job. So what is stopping me from leaving the corporate life where i can take up the best role of doing the best job that I am craving to do, what is stopping me from becoming a best Software Architect what i always dreamt of?
The fear that I wont have anything to look forward to when I wake up each morning. Yes, I will have my family business and family to take care of.But all this is on the To-do list even now- Every morning when mom wakes me I think of a life for myself — I work and I am rewarded for it.I am appreciated for my work.I think of my Dad every morning when i wake up whose dream was “My daughter would be an Software Engineer”. I spend time at workplace, I have a fantastic workplace & colleagues.Its a place where i can explore whatever i always wanted to do. Few days are dull with no work ,few days are tiring with lods of work, few days are joyfull with exciting work, few days are stressful with research work,few days are just not happening ,few days are awesome getting appreciation mails at workplace — but all these days those 9–10 hours have been mine , I choose to do what I want to do in life.I do what i like and it gives me a sense of self assurance — yes that is the word . I fear losing my “Self assurance” and may be loosing my confidence.
The fear that I would be totally dependent on my family business financially not having identity of my own-I am not supposed to feel dependent and be scared of that. But the fact is , somewhere in the corner of my heart ,I feel I am better off being financially independent and having an identity of my own. Mom does give me money whenever I ask her, but then I only ask when there is an absolute necessity of it. I fear I would activate “not so important in me”, my ego would kick in if I had to ask her suddenly for financial support every time i want to buy anything.I know she is the one who bought me up to this level but it will be awkard suddenly— I know it is absurd and ridiculous to think that way but this is a true fear — I would quit my job and choose to stay at home when I get over this formidable fear.
The fear that I will only become more ill-humoured — staying at home will make every tasks more and more important for me.I will be involved even in the smallest decision which mom can take on her own.I would be happy with that,but then it would make me feel angry and irritable at some point when i am just doing only “that”.It would get to me sooner and quicker and my temper and irritable nature would take a hit ,I fear,and I am sure I will show it all on my mom and sister.
The fear that I will not do it anyway — this one is the most important — I throw away my clothes on bed while getting ready for office — but there is no guarantee that I would do all of these perfectly if I am at home,
idleness would rule I fear and my creativity and the drive in me to do something will be long gone I fear.I would become lazy for even small things.“A lack of energy and enthusiasm” — precisely , this is what I fear of
The day I quit would be the day I would overcome these fears and realise that my eventual purpose in life is being a best daughter which every mother dreams of.I don’t know how far away that day is .May be tomorrow, may be years later.Sometimes I feel why I am the “one” loaded with so many responsibilities,because sometimes I really cannot take it.I feel like i should quit my “Job”.
What i wish apart from my job is — I wish to be best daugther, best sister.
My Dad is the biggest aspiration of my life.Whatever i am today is because of him.Thanks for making me so strong.I do miss his presence around me at times.
I do love my job and my identity and I fear I will lose it if I quit someday, but I think my love for my family will procure some day.
Kudos to all developers who aim big!!!
An aspiring Developer & Would be Software Architect
Manjula Dube
