Few days ago, I turned 28. A funny number if I think of it. Just 2 years away from hitting the magical thirty. And lot of old memories and strange realizations started flooding my mind. The so called glory of the past, ever present uncertainty of the present and the dilemmatic options of the future all coexist within me and take turns to guide my chaotic path. But again, everyday can be the beginning of the life you truly want. I decide to take control of my ship and be its captain instead of letting life pass through me while I stand as a dumb-ass spectator.
Past Glory
I used to be a lot of things when I was growing up. Starting from Grade 5, I was very active in school debates, essay competitions, quiz competitions, pick-and-speak-at-spot(extempore). After a while I used to come in top spot in these events. I used to perform in school plays, write and help direct a couple of plays. I used to attend local poetry meetups and recite my poetry when I was barely 16 and publish articles and poetry in local magazines.
I was active in sports — football and throw events like shot put. Was school student union Vice President and was top 2 in the district in my 12th board exams.
Though all these things may seem small time , simple successes to many, it mattered a lot to me and my family. My identity was defined by all these things. I was physically, mentally and spiritually active and growing every single day. A sense of accomplishment and purpose guided my work and life. And then I joined good college for my Engineering and then “other” aspects of life took a severe beating.
Mediocrity set in
For my college, I moved to a big city and everyday life revolved around college and room and a few movies. Writing became sparse. I started putting on weight. Sports became a distant memory and debates revolved around where to go out for dinner. I started to become someone I always despised. Though I was learning and getting good grades, that was all it was for whole 4 years. My identity was an engineering student at the college. It wasn’t anything else.
Following that I got into a good MNC and now life was built around the company I work for and my position in that company. Even I changed jobs, it was just for that aforementioned reasons and once they are changing, it temporarily used to give a pseudo sense of accomplishment. And then again the void sets in. My weight sky rocketed and I was always stressed and tensed and was under immense pressure. I was running relentlessly but did not know what or where is the end line. My job designation became my sole description. Take it away and I was nothing.
Realisations
Yesterday, I was taking a walk with a colleague a bit away from the office. It started to rain and we were in the middle of nowhere so we ran for some shelter. Office was like 100m away and by the time we reached office, I was huffing and puffing and panting like a dog with my thighs hurting and heart pounding at the rate of zillion per second. I could feel my heart pound against my chest and it struck me so frickin hard that I was not in my 20s according to my body. Walking up a flight of stairs seem like a huge achievement and bulging waist is competing with expenses in India post GST.
Today I took a look at weighing scale with a timid heart to witness the horror of “88.9 KG” reading. And this number combined with yesterday’s physical prowess is nothing short of an abhorrent nightmare for a person who was in top form few years ago.
Then I noticed that it had been a lifetime since I wrote something good. It was in another life that I played sports and took lead in any creative endeavor. Trekking and hiking seemed like a memory from a distant galaxy. And all for what? Being another IT guy in a city where if you throw a stone it would either hit a dog or hit an IT guy? Being a white collar laborer who is programmed to do job because “it is what everyone does” ?
Day job is part of everyone’s life. But not the part which covers the whole. It is that part which helps to pay for all other parts which sums up life.
A good son, a loving partner, a good friend and brother, a reliable employee and nice team player, a singer, a traveler, a cook or a foodie, an explorer, a poet, a playwright, a hopeless romantic, a swimmer, a runner , a good engineer, voracious reader, sympathetic part of the community, physically and mentally fit person. I want this to be me, every single day.
1. Not an overweight, bored, “another IT guy” sitting in office clocking in 9 hours with passion as big as the green cover of Thar desert.
2. Not the guy who has time for nothing because he is tired of doing nothing for whole day/week/month/lifetime.
3. Not the guy who lives life turning away from the beauty called “everyday life”
4. Not the guy who is so lost that he is unwilling and lethargic to find how deep in deepshit he is stuck in.
5. Not the guy whose idea of cooking is breaking open a Pringles can for a sickening serving of chips.
Goals now?
Lose weight by working out and eating right. Stay passionate at work by finding MY part in the bigger scheme of company. Make time for family and friends. Make time for myself. Get back to things I am good at and love- write, read, workout. Find a hobby and stick to it.
Most importantly, live a life worth living by living passionately everyday. To be present every moment instead of letting life just pass through me.
To craft a beautifully diverse story……. called Life.
