Priming women for success at workplace
I was recently asked to be part of a panel discussion on women issues at work at the Women Leadership Summit at IIM Bangalore. While I have been feeling strongly about women related issues at work for some time, this opportunity forced me to take some time to structure my thoughts.
What are the problems I and others face at work, because we are women? Are these gender specific? What drives these problems? Are people willfully trying to make life difficult for women, or is this a part of a larger structural issue?
There are four things that I realized during this deliberation that helped put some things in perspective. I realize that these are blanket statements that might draw strong emotional responses from some. However, simplification and assumptions are necessary tools to frame a complex problem, and you must agree that the problem of gender parity is complex.
Most ‘gender’ problems we face are a result of a larger societal transition:
It is likely that most human societies have evolved from pack like gatherings, where the roles of members were strictly defined. The males were the protectors and providers, who played alpha leadership roles. The females were the care givers, responsible for continuation of the pack. In our modern society today, such dichotomous definitions are blasphemous.
There are unlimited number of roles that each one of us can play today. However, as a society, the transition away from our traditionally assigned roles is still not complete. Thus you see men who are leaving traditionally defined alpha jobs (high paying, in big corporations) to pursue alternate careers, but find it hard to get social acceptance. Time and again I have heard from entrepreneur friends how they find it difficult to get married, even if their startups pay as much as an established corporation.
Similarly, women are taking up more alpha leadership roles and finding it hard to fit into them. Sometimes they are not accepted by other members of the pack as leaders, sometimes they find it hard to relate to themselves as leaders.
Most ‘gender discrimination’ from men at work is actually a power discrimination:
In traditional industries you often meet men from the previous generation who still believe that top management or leadership is a man’s job. Women don’t fit into the dynamics of their power games, and they simply don’t know how to react to a powerful woman. These men try to make women feel small and inadequate. In reality, they don’t know any better. They can’t hope to compete with women on care-giving, but don’t think that women can compete with them on leadership.
However, discrimination of this sort is not unique to women. These men will treat anyone that they perceive to have lower power in the same way. If you add a low power man to the equation, the results would be the same. What women are facing here is power discrimination. The way to resolve it then, is to exert power.
You need to learn to play power games and expand your range of acceptable behavior. For example, meetings aren’t just about great analysis, they are about an unsaid display of power. The first 10 minutes of such meetings are the most important (we call it first impression). It is in these 10 minutes that your position in the social power hierarchy is established. Those who have played the game for a while know this well. They start with an introduction that brings out the best they have done. Women on the other hand find it hard to sell their achievements. They don’t want to “brag” or “boast”. Introductions are however not about bragging. It is our responsibility to bring the right information to these meetings, to enable the right judgement. You will anyways be judged (like it or not)*, so you might as well provide the right information that helps you get a higher ranking in the power hierarchy.
[*I feel this judgement stems for the natural human instinct to calibrate threat from a new member of the pack.]
Women don’t face discrimination only from men:
Any discussion on women’s issues demonizes men. Women however face equal (if not more) discrimination from women as well. For example, women who make sacrifices to achieve alpha status (I respect their sacrifice), always judge women who want to get there without making those sacrifices. It invalidates their choices and hard work. The necessity to make sacrifices thus becomes more important than the outcome of making the sacrifice.
Another such discrimination that we face is from our elders. As girls we are brought up to be meek and nice — don’t talk back, don’t be aggressive, say sorry, don’t talk loudly, don’t go out at night, don’t go out by yourself. These are great qualities for a protected care-giver, but might not necessarily take you far in leadership roles. As a leader you need to get work done, often by pushing other people, even when they don’t want to be pushed. You need to be comfortable with people not liking you so much, and you need to be comfortable not being the nice person all the time.
The biggest discrimination that women face is from themselves:
The biggest discrimination that women face, unfortunately, is from themselves. Most women do this. Most successful women do this. Most successful women do this constantly. We question ourselves and our abilities, we are insecure, and we despair if we are not perfect. I read a quote from Yann Martel on this (from Life of Pie) that has stuck with me over the past few months — “To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.” I can’t even begin to explain how true this is. Facing challenges through doubt is like being in a fight that you are “hoping” to win. Hope does not win fights, belief does.
While this thought process is far from complete or exhaustive, it helped me make sense of some women issues that I have faced, or have heard other women raise. Sharing it here in case you relate to it as well.
