The player on the other side

Manthan Goswami
Jul 24, 2017 · 17 min read

‘That must surely be a gift. Right Ishan?’ asked Karan, ‘Look at the brand, I know Ishan since the last 3 years, I have never seen him spend so much over branded clothes.’

It was 2 am in the midnight and the hostel room was in its most vibrant phase. Sitting in the circle, all the fellow engineers had a cup of tea in their hands.

‘That’s not true’, laughed Ishan, ‘I wear decent clothes.’

‘Of course you do’, said karan quickly ‘but instead of spending money on luxurious items, you spend them on books.’ ‘You look so good in such branded clothes, keep wearing them.’

Ishan smiled but didn’t reply. He had just come back to the hostel from a date.

‘So late a date man! I guess Ishan must have gone to her house to drop her off, after all it’s so late’ sniggered one of them.

‘Obviously dude, no doubt about it’ exclaimed Karan, ‘so Mr. Writer, may you please take the pain in answering, as to who gifted you this shirt?’

Ishan smiled in embarrassment but kept looking at his phone. Everyone knew, they looked at each other and cackled amongst themselves. The chais in the cups were ended but the mood had just set in.

‘Priyal’ spoke Karan in a louder voice. Ishan quickly gazed at him and the smile on his face broadened. ‘Who else man, it’s pretty simple’, continued Karan, ‘Priyal has gifted this shirt.’

Ishan was speechless, but a smile lingered on his face.

‘Ishan never fails to startle us. Scoring a late night date. Impressive stuff! ’ exclaimed someone. ‘Nobody gifts him anything because he never gives us party for his achievements. But Priyal keeps giving him Gifts all the time’ he continued, ‘Gift on a birthday, Gift for a monthly anniversary, Gift for some special occasion, a gift for a sweet fart that Ishan fired in class and so on.’ Everyone burst into laughter.

Priyal- the girl that was present in the hostel all the time, not physically though, but would be talked about almost all the time. It was because of Ishan. Ishan was one of the most handsome boys of the college. He was a prolific writer and his columns had won him acclaim across the city and the state. He used to read a lot, and hence for his friends he was always a go to person for any kind of knowledge or information purpose. Ishan liked to keep himself abreast with all the current events around the world and would love to make observations and then share it with his friends. Most importantly he was a very down to earth person, the success and fame had not even touched his attitude and he behaved very respectfully with everyone in hostel and college. He wrote in the city magazine and was widely read. He often raised local issues about traffic, law and order and rights of poor people of the area. Hence, right from the watchman of college to the principal everybody knew Ishan by his name and by virtue of his talent. Professors always had a special affection for him; they thought him to be an asset to the college, which he truly was. He loved the college, and had made it feel proud on more than one occasion. Even the students of the journalism department would be inspired by this engineer; he used to infuse a lot of power in everyone with his words. People considered his pen as a magic wand, his writings often created storm and his stories touched people to their core.

‘Now stop talking about priyal,’ Ishan stood up with a smile still hanging on his face. ‘Yes she gifted this shirt to me. I accept that she gives me a lot of gifts. And that’s it. Its 3:30 am now and tomorrow isn’t a Sunday, so let’s disperse and sleep.’

Nobody gave a damn to Ishan. At 3:00 am in the midnight, everyone was the master of their own will. The words of any effective writer or respected student were as worthless, as a chai cup they had just tossed in the dustbin! One of them actually pulled Ishan’s hand and forced him to sit down for another hour. And thus began another round of leg pulling, lewd jokes, character assassination of professors and broken hearts.

Priyal was a beautiful girl with blue eyes, who loved to wear Kurtis with a scarf always around her neck. The black spectacles would simply add to her beauty. She was bright in academics and was also a part of college kho kho team. She was elegant with her language, graceful in her behavior and was a very ambitious person. She was people friendly, fun loving and very optimistic about life. She was an independent bird, she loved dreaming, she loved old classical movies and above all she loved Ishan. She always sat besides Ishan during the lectures. Priyal wasn’t so good at Engineering Drawing (ED); Ishan would teach her ED and make her study during the exams. Together they undoubtedly made the best couple of the college.

Priyal was Ishan’s weakness. A man of thoughts, who would destroy anyone with the power of his pen, would often become a silent listener when his friends pulled his leg about priyal. He loved priyal with great sincerity. In front of her, he would be at the loss of words. With her, he would forget his identity. Around her, he would act childish. Ishan was a respected student of the college, and he very smartly knew, how to behave and command that respect in the eyes of the collegians. But the presence of Priyal seemed to make him forget his smartness. Priyal was not only Ishan’s life but the reason for his existence.

Next morning Ishan received a call from Priyal. The call lasted for 49 minutes. When the call got disconnected Ishan kept the phone aside. He went out in the balcony looked at the trees and came and sat back on his chair. He stared at the dark black spot on the white wall before him. Lips tightly spurred, a grim- faced Ishan kept his sight fixed on the wall, without realizing that it had been more than one hour. He was clueless, all lost, confused and deeply wounded. The sun was at its peak with brightness all around. The college was abuzz as it was the break time but Ishan’s life was a complete silence. A single phone call brought Ishan’s heart beats to a standstill.

Karan entered the hostel room. ‘Hey Ishan, what’s up man? You didn’t attend the first two lectures?’

He saw a tear rolling down Ishan’s left eye. His wet eyes and gloomy face stunned Karan; he had never seen Ishan like this. ‘She broke up man; she broke up with ‘me’. We are no more in a relationship.’ mumbled Ishan, his voice barely a whisper.

‘HAHA. Congratulations bro! It’s Time for a party then. Our lion is free now. Cheer up buddy’ shouted Karan. He was absolutely unaware of what he was saying. But he was equally unaware of what Ishan was trying to say. Maybe Karan’s conscience asked him to behave that way or maybe he realized the ugliness of the situation and understood that it was out of his reach to help Ishan. Or maybe he was doing this consciously to cheer up Ishan first and then… (He was utterly clueless)

‘I never thought of such a day would come in my life. How could she?’ said Ishan.

‘Forget it man. It Happens. It happens only with great people. Welcome to the tribe’ said Karan.

‘What didn’t I do for her?’

‘Did you see the new BB ki Vines ka video? Harsh said it was so awesome dude! Let’s first watch that out.’

‘What will I say to the world? Every single person knows about our relationship.’

‘My guess was correct that day. Fernandez ma’am knew that you bunked the class last week. The proxy scandal got busted today.’

‘And what happened to her suddenly? Everything was fine until yesterday.’

‘Priyal said she is coming to college in the evening’ murmured Karan.

‘If she wanted to break up, why did she gift me a shirt yeste…’ Ishan paused abruptly. ‘What? What did you just say? Priyal what?’ his voice still heavy.

‘Bloody hell. I am speaking since long and you weren’t paying any heed. You took the pain of looking at me, only when I mentioned Priyal. Great!’ grilled Karan. He did this intentionally. He then stood up and moved to his room. He thought he might get some time to think. He threw his bag over and immediately un-pocketed his phone. Before he could call Priyal and seek a clarification, Ishan entered his room and sat on Karan’s bed.

Ishan’s face was expressionless, so was that of his friend. He then stood up from the bed and went near the window, he wiped his dried up tears with the lower part of his t-shirt and took a deep breath. He pointed his finger towards Karan.

‘You know what; she calls me and tells me that she now feels uncomfortable. She seemed well prepared and talked to me about all the quarrels that we had in the past. She did something that I had never expected in my life time.’ He pointed a finger towards karan.

The finger had thus moved from one corner of the room to other. His face moved little west to east and then to west, perfectly in sync with his hand moment- the budding journalist inside Ishan coming alive. Karan was in awe, since he was no more listening to a numb and dejected fellow, but to an effective writer now, speaking from his heart.

‘Life isn’t a game is it? You can’t just leave it from between. There are several emotions attached to our life. We are human beings not players. We have memories, we have feelings. Don’t people know a simple thing like this? Doesn’t pri… priya… doesn’t Priyal know this???’ said Ishan. His voice decreased in decibels, with the last part of the sentence spoken at a very low pitch.

Karan finally spoke and asked Ishan to first settle on the chair near him. Ishan didn’t. There was one more person in the room, Ronit, the room partner of Karan. Ronit was playing Counter Strike in his laptop; he was deeply indulged in his game, with head phones on, so there were no chances of him listening anything.

‘Tell me directly, completely and from the beginning’, continued Karan, ‘don’t tell me your opinion, or your feelings, first let me know what happened and what did she tell you?’

While talking about such things a human being can hardly resist from putting forth his/her personal opinions. One is bound to add one’s own thoughts in such a description. As Ishan said, humans aren’t players. They aren’t robots either.

‘She called me and unusually began telling me what she had been through, how she felt before few months and about various other quarrels that we had in the past. She said she was deeply hurt by that Facebook thing and the phone check scene. It left a big shock in her mind. You remember this right? We talked about it? He asked Karan.

Karan was his best friend, and Ishan shared almost everything with him.

‘Yeah. I remember. But I think it was long back. I guess it’s more that 2 months now to that scene’ replied Karan.

Priyal and Ishan were madly in love with each other. However, some dark element had made its way into their beautiful relationship. At the nascent stage, like many other relationships, even they had trust issues. Some random incidents had made Ishan a little ‘insecure’ about Priyal. The sole purpose of Ishan’s life was to spend his entire life with Priyal, he never wished to part with her, and in this vicious circle, he grew a little more insecure. In the turbulent times, both of them kept their calm and had let the bad phase pass by. However, there came an exception. Once, Ishan checked the phone of Priyal. It was done with her consent in her presence. There was no question of some nasty thing being found from the phone, as even Ishan was sure of her loyalty. But, there were a few messages, upon which Ishan expressed his discomfort. In reply, Priyal quite maturely understood Ishan’s state of mind and assured him of abstinence from repetition of such kind of an incident. Priyal was the luckiest girl in the college; she would often flaunt Ishan, and would take pride in his singular attention to her. She knew, even in her darkest dreams Ishan would never think about another girl.

With the passage of time, the level of pureness of their love increased to a very high level. This gave rise to an ‘exaggerated level of commitments’ that both began making to each other. They loved each other, but resolved to love even more. They already did a lot for each other, but thought of doing even more. They were loyal, but promised to be even more loyal. Hence, with a high level of commitment comes a high level of expectations. A slightest deviation from commitment and chaos is born.

On one fine day, while sitting in coffee shop, Priyal’s phone buzzed with a notification. Ishan’s quick gaze made him read a boy’s message with an unusual smiley. He couldn’t gather enough courage to ask her for her phone and hence decided to ignore the facebook messenger notification. The more you ignore a thought, with more velocity it strikes you back. When even big sages of this universe couldn’t escape this, who was poor Ishan! After so much contemplation and so much pondering he thought of Logging in from Priyal’s facebook account. The last time when he had asked for Priyal’s phone, it had made her a little upset. Ishan had never allowed a slightest of unhappiness to appear on her face. He would quickly joke or sing a song or even dance on a street to make her happy.

He thought it would be wise to open her Fb account quietly without her knowing and it might prevent her from getting sad. He knew she was pure, he knew she was not guilty; he knew that he must have been mistaken; he knew she wasn’t cheating, yet couldn’t stop himself from opening her account in his phone. Priyal knew about this some days later and she was extremely hurt. She was not angry, but was hurt tremendously. Ishan apologized for it later, and explained his state of mind at that point. They discussed a lot about it and finally it all got sorted out and things returned to normalcy. Everything was fine then after, and both decided to move on. There had not been any such problem since then. There was even a birthday party in which both performed a graceful dance and won the hearts and blessings of many.

‘Exactly, it has been more than two months. She always said she was fine, and today, suddenly she says she couldn’t forget that facebook scene and is not sure of our future together, she thinks that I have become INSECURE’ replied Ishan, there was no pain in his voice. Bewilderment and pain generally go hand in hand. However, it was different in Ishan’s case.

‘Look, that was your mistake, and you did apologize for it. And except these two incidences, I guess there are no other instances that portray you as INSECURE’ spoke Karan with a firm conviction.

Karan added ‘That’s not fair to portray a person as INSECURE based on just few instances. Isn’t it?’ Karan tried to resonate with Ishan’s feelings.

Ishan was silent. He didn’t respond.

‘Did I say anything wrong?’

‘No not really’ replied Ishan.

‘This is absolutely derogatory of her. I know you my friend; you are not of the cheap and insecure type. People might mistake you to be one, but not me. You are not at fault.’ Karan said with firmness to gain Ishan’s attention. But Ishan was thinking of something and was lost somewhere else. He didn’t even look at Karan’s face. The eyebrows drew closer, eyes fixated to the floor. He then looked straight into the eyes of Karan.

‘I think you are wrong and Priyal is correct.’

Karan obviously didn’t like this.

‘Heights Ishan! See what she has done to you. Still you choose to run after her. She reduced you to the level of a cheap, always worried, frequent phone checking, Insecure Person. Grow up, call her, tell her you are not one’ shouted Karan. His voice escalating to a never heard before pitch

‘No. Who says I am not insecure. Let me tell you. I was, I am and I will always be insecure about Priyal. I love her. I want to be with her forever. Hence I am insecure. And I accept that I was insecure. I was. Really I was’ He kept repeating. This time Ishan spoke with increasing decibels. Ishan was hurt and his eyes said everything.

(The baffled Karan had no choice but to give a patient hearing to what Ishan had to say. He was quite familiar to such big monologues by Ishan)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know what karan; Hinduism is the oldest way of life. There is a holy book called manusmriti written by MANU. It is a compilation of rules and conduct, you won’t believe my friend what things are written there.

In chapter 5, a verse reads,Girls are supposed to be in the custody of their father when they are children, women must be under the custody of their husband when married and under the custody of her son as widow, in no circumstances is she allowed to assert herself independently.” Just think of it, this was written 3000 years ago. People’s mentality was sick, they were so much concerned about the freedom of woman, that they made such inhumane and harsh laws.

Before 2016 years Christianity was founded in 1 AD. Even in the one of its holy texts it is mentioned wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it fit in the lord.

Before 1300 years, Islam was founded in 7th century. Their insecurity is described in one of their verses, “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given them one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share beds, (and last) beat them (lightly).” [verse 4:34]

So my dear friend Karan, since ages the human mind has been functioning in a unilateral way. Just think of it, for over centuries the mindset of the people in the entire world is driven by an old idea. Priyal calls it my insecurity. But it’s not my insecurity, it is…. He paused.

Even the benevolent, Maryada Purshottam Ram had to ask Sitaji to undergo Agni Pariksha. What else can be the best example of a fine blend of utmost love and insecurity?

I am not saying insecurities are justified; all that I am saying is_____.

‘What are you trying to prove then? Finish the statement at least’ said Karan anxiously.

‘Wait, be patient. The arguments of our ancient civilization or that of the religious preachers might not get down your throat.’

Karan nodded

‘You might tell me that it was the pre-modern time then and these observations that I just put before you, were quite absurd in nature then.’

Karan thoughtfully nodded.

Ishan continued: Yes, I accept they were quite absurd. And I also say that they have lost validity with time.

But then, we love our filmstars, don’t we? They are the trend setters of our time. Ranbir Kapoor admitted on Koffee with Karan, that he is a very possessive and protective boyfriend. In addition, he admitted that his phone was checked a multiple times. Even, in his friend circle, Shah Rukh Khan is remembered as the extremely possessive boyfriend. He apparently once banned Gauri from leaving her hair loose because he didn’t want her to attract attention of other men!

I am not saying insecurities are justified, all that I am saying is_____.

Karan was flummoxed! Yet he managed to interrupt the machine, ‘So are you trying to say that to be insecure about your partner is justified? This is what you mean, right?’

‘Hold on Karan, let me finish. You will agree to me that the modern day culture is influenced primarily by movies and also by songs. You must remember the scene in the movie “The man who knew infinity”. The wife of the great mathematician Ramanujan told him something after knowing that he will be travelling abroad. She asked Ramanujan to stay faithful to their marriage and not to indulge with any white girl. Just imagine, if Ramanujan would have been furious and straightaway quarreled with his wife! In those days it would not even surprise anyone, if Ramanujan had left his wife for questioning his Integrity or being unnecessarily insecure.

So even girls feel insecure, which is alright. No wonder, in 2001 one of the famous song on people’s lips was,

Madhuban me Jo Kanhaiya Kisi Gopi Se Mile

Kabhi Muskaaye, Kabhi Chhede, Kabhi Baat Kare

Radah kese Na Jale, Radha Kaise Na Jale

Aag Tan Mann Mein Lage

Radha Kaise Na Jale, Radha Kaise Na Jale

Karan Johar is the present day filmmaker who resonates with the young generation. In his recent movie “Ae Dil E Mushkil” there is a scene, where Ranbir talks to Anushka after a long stint. He straightaway asks, if she had kissed Fawad, he asks if she had sex with Fawad. Such a direct question is as bizarre as the texts written thousands of years back. Yet KJo uses them in the film, because they are relevant, because they are uttered everywhere, in the present society, because KJo is quite aware with the issues of insecurities and infidelity around us. In his novel, Revolution 2020, Chetan Bhagat, again a present day writer has talked about a character named Gopal. It is very finely described how after coming to Kota, Gopal starts worrying about his childhood friend Aarti and couldn’t stop thinking for hours and hours put together. Reason- he once overheard Aarti being at Raghav’s place and hence his mind kept running in all the bad directions. Gopal’s mind is the mind of every Indian and probably every human being. This virtue of being insecure is deep rooted in our mind without even our knowing of it.

Captain Vikram batra, the proud soldier of India who sacrificed his life in the kargil war, had before going to the battle, talked to his girl friend and told her that he was feeling insecure about her…

I am not saying insecurities are justified; all that I am saying is_____.

‘Ishan Please stop now. Please. Just finish this line you have been holding since long.’ Karan said this loudly. Ishan stayed silent.

Ishan didn’t say anything. Karan thought it wise to remain silent too.

The college break was over, and the students were back in their classes. There was complete silence in the campus and there was complete silence in the room.

Ishan thought of Priyal, he couldn’t convince himself that Priyal had left him. He finally sat down on the chair. He kept looking down at the floor. Pained, broken, hurt, upset, gloomy, Ishan couldn’t control himself. He broke down into tears.

‘Karan…’ He managed to say, though weeping, ‘I am not saying insecurity is justified, all that I am saying is my insecurity is justified.’

This is evolution. I have inherited this thing. In my veins flows the blood of either Ram or of Rahim or that of his Almighty. I grew up watching SRK, I like Ranbir Kapoor, I study Ramanujan, I read Chetan Bhagat, I hear songs… and that’s it. I am a very common person. I am a normal human being.’ He continued to weep. If my history, my contemporary society, my culture and my elders are conditioned to act in a particular manner, why am I expected to act mature? Why am I expected to be different from them? I can’t, my friend. I can’t. I am a small living creature in this world. I don’t know whether Insecurity is justified or not, whether it is right or not, I am nobody to decide.

I know just one thing; “my” insecurity is justified. I love Priyal and hence my insecurity is justified. I love her so much, more than anyone. I just love her a lot Screamed Ishan again and again.

Karan was touched and moved at the same time. He couldn’t even ask Ishan to calm down and rest. Ishan was speaking at the top of his voice; to match his energy level was impossible. He was weeping throughout, was wounded to the core and his eyes showed his endless love for Priyal. Karan still spoke at a very low tone, ‘Calm down Ishan. Don’t worry; everything is going to be fine. Do one thing, call her and tell her all these things. Call her now’

‘No. Don’t do that. It won’t fetch any result. That would be futile’ said a voice suddenly from the other corner of the room. It surprised Ishan and Karan equally.

‘World consists of two types people, one “who love” and the ones who are fortunate enough “to get loved”. The later ones have been writing the history of this world, often taking the other half for granted’ said Ronit.

The head phones were just physically put on, that day a broken heart had finally met a companion.

‘You did not commit the crime of being insecure, but you committed the bigger crime of loving her more than ‘your’ life. The problem is not insecurity; it is just another excuse to part. The bigger problem is to love someone more than yourself’ Ronit said while still playing the game, without paying any heed to the seriousness of the room. ‘The half part of the world will continue to be the writers of history, who are privileged enough to be loved. Life is a game indeed. Make sure you end up being a player in the other “half” of the world’ said Ronit. Suddenly the screen of the laptop lit up.

It read Game Over.

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