Emotions Shape Our Relationships
Co-authored with Robin Stern, PhD
Years ago, I (Marc) was a clinical intern at a large urban hospital, working under an extremely critical and generally unpleasant supervisor. She was the kind of person who complained incessantly, picking holes in even the most solid of efforts — be they of good will, or working hard to complete a tough case analysis on time. In my many months working with her, I don’t believe I saw her smile once. I was fascinated by the work but dreaded going in each day. In the end, I had to leave the internship.
Looking back, my supervisor’s negativity — and the way I felt in her presence — cast a shadow over the entire experience. But even more remarkable than a dour and critical supervisor in a psychiatric treatment center is the fact when I told the story to Robin, she realized that she had encountered that same supervisor nearly two decades earlier!
I (Robin) would not have remembered her name, but listening to the way Marc felt around her, I recognized her immediately. In my case, I was fortunate to have other supervisors who were more actively involved in my internship. But when I think back, her unpleasantness and negativity colored the day each time I met with her.
As we mentioned in an earlier article, emotions are cues, signaling us to approach or avoid. This idea is especially clear with people. A genuine smile in our direction gives us the green light. It invites us in, saying “keep coming toward me; I have joy or comfort or compassion to share.” A scowl or an eyeroll usually does the opposite — alerting us to yield or stop, saying “if you come close, you will confront anger or irritability or disapproval.” The emotions we see in others’ facial expressions and bodies, hear in their voices, and interpret from their words and actions either draw us closer or drive us away. We were both driven away from the same psychiatry supervisor. It’s scary to think about how many other people were too — and how many clarifying questions didn’t get asked or treatment protocols didn’t get questioned because of the way this person made people feel.
Put simply, the way we feel about people affects whether we want to be with them, talk to them, work with them, and put the extra effort in to support them.
See for yourself: Make a short list of five people in your life. Maybe your partner, best friend, a co-worker or colleague, a sibling, a child, or an acquaintance you see periodically (a security guard, hairdresser, a bank teller). For each name on the list, answer this question: what is one word to describe how you feel when you think of this person? Answer the question quickly without overthinking it. Just jot down your gut response.
Now take a look at the list. Anything revealing? How might the feelings you listed affect how you interact with these individuals?
In Permission To Feel, I (Marc) wrote extensively about a similar activity we’ve done with teachers reflecting on their students. As they connect the feeling about each student to how they treat student, we see eyes fill with tears. They feel guilty or ashamed. They realize their behavior toward certain students has little to do with the students’ performance or needs. They realize they have inadvertently favored some students over others. This exercise sometimes reveals an unconscious bias the teacher might have. And they want to make it right.
The good news is they can. You can. We all can. By simply being aware of this information — of how our feelings toward others affect how we treat them — we can use this information to guide our interactions. For instance, if there is a child, a co-worker, or an acquaintance who annoys you, your automatic tendency may be to avoid that person. However, if you make a point to acknowledge exactly how that person tends to make you feel (annoyed), you can make a deliberate decision about whether to continue avoiding that person, accept the annoyance but fight your natural tendency to avoid that person, or take it deeper and identify the source of annoyance and strategize about how you may convert that feeling into something more positive.
We’ll never know what our experience as interns could have been like had this supervisor received the education in emotional intelligence we now offer in schools and workplaces all over the world (including hospitals). But chances are we would have much fonder memories and learned a lot more!
Think deeply about the feelings you have about the people around you. Where do these feelings come from? Are they helpful or unhelpful for the way you treat them? If unhelpful, what might you do to shift those feelings or enhance your interactions?
