Who is on Your Team? Five Strategies to Skillfully Strengthen Your Relationships
Co-authored with Robin Stern, PhD
Millions of Americans will be tuning into the Super Bowl this Sunday. You don’t need to be a die-hard football fan to know that that it represents more than a game. Team allegiances and rivalries take center stage in an event that both unites and divides millions of Americans. But not to be forgotten is how the health and quality, or lack thereof, of each team’s relationships manifests on the field. On a night of escalating egos and record-breaking potential, will teammates keep each other in check or will tensions take over? Will each player rise towards a shared goal or crash and burn under the pressure?
We can all learn a few things from this example. Taking a step back from the field, think about the people that make up your ‘team’. Ask yourself, how are my relationships? Are my connections strong and genuine? Or have they grown sour or cold, waiting on the backburner for the day I finally stop rescheduling that catch-up lunch?
If you are looking for ways to revitalize relationships with your teammates, you are not alone. Here, we invite you to try some strategies for keeping your relationships strong. No matter how skilled you already are at sustaining relationships, everyone is vulnerable to moments in life that leave us feeling tense, triggered, or lost.
1. Nurture your relationships with small shifts. In the age of social media omnipresence, it is easy to reduce our connections to sharing reels, videos, or posts with each other. While there is nothing wrong with these bids for connection, it is important to consider new ways to connect that push the envelope of comfort and go beyond a screen. Scheduling small shifts in behavior like talking over the phone. Take an 8-minute happiness challenge. Send this message to a friend or relative or someone you miss “Hi! I read this in the New York Times and it made me think of you. Let’s schedule that phone call this week!”
2. Embrace positivity. The ‘magic’ ratio, according to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, is 5:1. Five to one positive interactions is predictive of relationship health, especially during a tough conversation or conflict. Emotion skills can help. Do express your emotions of caring and love in words and action. Show interest and curiosity about what your partner is saying and recognize and regulate your own impulses to interrupt and defend yourself. Don’t be critical or negative. Maintaining a positive connection — and building intimacy — depends on it.
3. Connect to celebrate. We often rely on the empathy of others or lean in with empathy in difficult moments when we need a shoulder to cry on or ear to tell our drama to. But the sustained wellbeing of relationships depends also in our ability to share, celebrate, and enjoy the positive emotions of others, otherwise known as positive empathy. Positive empathy is a win-win. It boosts wellbeing on an individual level and blossoms into increased intimacy and trust between two people. Think about the people who can benefit from your acknowledgment of something positive that’s happened. Now reach out and let them know you care. It will have lasting impact.
4. Express gratitude. We’re all tired of hearing about the benefits of gratitude. But the research is clear: being grateful is inextricably linked to well-being. Even just a few minutes a day spent in gratitude has a positive impact in everyday life. And when it comes to our relationships gratitude breathes oxygen and energy into each connection. Think about the many things you can be grateful for. Get specific. Did your neighbor give you a quick call when you were in bed with the flu, to ask if you needed anything? Did a partner take the kids to soccer practice so that you could sleep in? Let them know you appreciate their kindness and that you are grateful to have them in your life. A few words of thanks go a long way to building and enlivening bonds between you.
5. Do something fun together. New activities can bring energy into your friendships or romantic relationship and can re-vitalize family time. Bring to mind someone you’d like to spend time with over the next week or two. Next, think about things that bring each of you joy — exploring nature or a new part of town, trying a new cuisine, or going to the movies. Now, plan to do one thing that’s going to bring each of you joy.
