Where’s my bloody coffee?

I travel. A lot. Not as much as some of our clients but far more than I prefer. As a result I, like so many of the road weary, live in a perpetual state of jet lag. At around 150,000 miles a year time zones serve as a scheduling inconvenience. At 250,000 they lose all meaning and blend into one state of perpetual exhaustion.

With that in mind I feel the need to rant about a horrific trend among hotels, largely the luxury properties. For some harebrained reason far too many of late elected to remove the coffee machines from their rooms.

The reasons given are both insipid and banal. One manager stated that the machines “broke the lines of symmetry the architect envisioned for the room.” In other words, a fancy way to say the machines don’t look pretty. Frankly, at 6am in the wrong time zone and after a late arrival I also break all “lines of symmetry.”

Another hotel chain stated that the machines were a source of confusion and complaint by many a client. Having read the reports to the managers it is true that people complain about the most insipid details…but this? Who are you? And why are you trying to ruin a good thing?

The final statement from a third hotel chain (rhymes with “Ditz”) brought full clarity to the issue: “We seek to serve our clients in all things. Rather than our guests being troubled with making the coffee we prefer to deliver it to them.”

There it is. It’s about fundamentally a way to increase room service charges. At hotels costing $400+/ night. Poor form, hotels, poor form.

Let’s be honest: the prepackaged stuff made available in a room is rarely good. Generally, it has the consistency and flavor of motor oil laced with broken dreams. But, for those in desperate need, it is both effective and essential.

If you, hotel, expect me to leave my room before the only drug left safe for me to take has been administered in stunning quantity, expect some stern words and nasty reviews…or, more likely, me passive aggressively stealing water from the housekeeper’s service cart. Whichever takes less effort. Because I’m really tired.