(Note: This is the introduction chapter to my next book, Online Dating for Conscious Men: Strategies for Success).
“Sexuality is the #1 super-power” — Dieter Duhm
“Sex is dirty. Save it for someone you love” — Esther Perel
This is a book for men who want to win with women. Men who want to combine their love and desire for women, with their passion to excel in life; and from there, to live their lives as the fullest possible expression of their gifts and of their love for the world.
This first chapter has one purpose, and I will be direct: I want to give you enough of a context for what you will learn here, of what is available to you through the attitudes and practices that I will be describing, that you will buy this book and then read it until the end. I want this for you, because I think it could change your life, plus make at least one woman very happy. Eventually, I would also love for you to join one of our very affordable online courses for men, and maybe later our mixed-gender course. In the men’s course you will create community with your brothers and learn the skills of vulnerable leadership. Vulnerable leadership is the first skill you will need to acquire to win with women. In the second, mixed-gender course you can start to practice with women.
Let me begin with my own story.
Like many men, I have been fascinated (borderline obsessed, really) with women for my entire life. I have always thought of the problem of sexual relationships as a fractal (i.e., a fully representative part-within-a-whole) of all the larger problems of life: the search for happiness and success, friendship and community, personal power and self-actualization. Meaning that: to master the art of sexual relationships, which in my frame is the art of making women happy, will result in mastery of the other dimensions as well. The opposite being true as well, presumably. So where to begin: do we men directly take on the problem of self-actualization and personal power, or do we start by trying to win the love of women?
My strategy has been to begin with women, even though conventional wisdom would challenge that (“You can lose a lot of money by chasing women, but you won’t lose any women by chasing money” — Chris Rock). This strategy is actually unwise, and to be honest, I did not actually choose it, rather it chose me. And yet looking back now, at 30+ years of my own developmental work, it seems to me that my original idea was correct. It does seem to me now that all of the most important experiences of my life, the experiences that were ultimately most transformational and numinous, have been directly related to the women I have loved and who have loved me, however briefly. And so, paradoxically (since I have had way more than my share of romantic disasters, and I don’t have anything concrete to show for it), these experiences made me who I am. And since I am, for the most part, quite happy about where I am in my life these days, you could say that my strategy, my unconscious choice, has been successful. I think, perhaps, that I got lucky. My goal here, is to save you from the 30 years of romantic disasters that I created in order to learn the things which I am about to tell you.
All men are born clueless about women’s relational and sexual reality, and many men remain so their entire lives (the women’s aren’t any better, incidentally, concerning their understanding of men’s relational and sexual reality, another important problem which men have to solve if they wish to deeply connect with women). Our parents typically did not teach us about the relational reality of the opposite sex, because they did not know; and the culture is of very little help as well. The culture actually shames us, men and women both, for having sexual desires (for real??? As if we have any choice over our sexual desires), as in demanding that we relegate these conversations to the bedroom and the therapy office, which further compounds the problem by making it very difficult to have intelligent dialogue around sexual and relational needs.