I lost her, without ever holding her
When you lose someone, you cling to their memories, you keep them alive in you heart, you think about them or hold that one picture you took together. Losing someone it’s never easy, the grief and the pain are always together with remembering.
How you remember people is what keeps their memories alive, telling people about this person. How awesome they were, how you remember them fondly, how those annoying perks you used to hate, seem so senseless now, how your heart broke when you lost them, how you never got over the pain but learned how to live with it.
But when you lose someone before they can really live in this world, that we so call beautiful, before they could live all this experiences we regret or we remember forever, before they could grow up, even before they could smile at you when you’re making silly faces. That’s when your heart brakes and you can’t do anything about it.
I lost my niece, it might sound selfish talk about my pain when in fact it’s nothing compared to my sister’s, but I can’t know what she’s thinking, I simply can’t process that information, it’s unimaginable, it’s heartbreaking and will never stop bringing tears to my eyes.
I was away, I was not there for her, I was selfish, I was in a foreign country being miserable, away from everybody I love, away from the emergency, away from the calls. Complaining about things that just don’t matter, complaining about other people or my life, when I clearly did not know about the magnitud of what just happened.
My life and family’s life has always been unique, intense, we’ve been through countless events that brought us together… I, for most of it, was not there. I’m still not.
But I was going to be there for her, I was going to hold her, sing her songs, teach her how to be an amazing woman, read her books, spoil her with gifts, hug her when she was sad, watch TV and sleep on the couch, take her to the movies, or give her that first beer. But I can’t do that now and I never will be able to.
I doesn’t matter how much I cry, doesn’t matter if I take a flight home, it’s already too late. I can’t comfort her mother, and doesn’t matter what I say, things will never be the same.
When my nephew was born I said “I’ve never loved someone this much without having met them, and I’ve never been so excited to meet someone in my life” and I could say the same thing about her, but i’ll never meet her, not in this earth, not in this life.
It hurts, just hurts, don’t try to find an explanation, because there’s none. Don’t put God in the equation, because my god would have kept her here, don’t put a “reason why things happen” excuse, because there’s nothing that would make this better, just don’t.
It hurts and it’ll always will, it hurts and that part of my heart will never be back. All the things I was excited to teach her, she’ll never know them, and all the laughs I was so expecting to hear, i’ll never hear them.
This is loss, this is the definition of losing something and never be able to get it back, to try relive this moments through memories, to see a photo and smile, to hold that shirt that that someone used to wear. But I don’t have those.
I never got to meet her, and yet she is the person who has changed my life the most.