Reflections about a neutral state of mind

Post- experience

It has been two months since I came back and this is the most connected I have ever felt with whatever my consciousness is. I suppose it is the state in which one is aware of being in the world. The residual effects of the meditation are still influencing my lifestyle and my decisions. I have kept a daily meditation practice and I am also 100% sober, which is a decision I made during the retreat. In a way, it is almost like I can’t un-see what I saw there. The rationale is that awareness comes at a price. If your consciousness moves somewhere higher, or different, it is hard to come back to be the same person and do the same things. Simple, but not always easy to execute. I am still finding my balance, but whatever I’m doing is working.

When I say I felt neutral afterwards I mean I was in, what for me, is an ideal state of being. I didn’t have all the answers, as a matter of fact, I had a lot of questions, and I felt somehow uncertain of what I was going to find on my return home. Would I make some big decisions, start all over again with my relationship, my job, would I change everything?

After a couple of months some of the big changes are in course, but I am not rushing. I feel happier in general, although happy is not the right word to describe my state of my mind. I would say I am here, where I am and in my current state things are working in the way that they should. I am not labelling them too much, just observing them, and knowing that they will change as they always have, as it is the nature of life, people and relationships.

I tend to jinx my experiences by putting too much pressure on making things go my way. This is something I am still learning to not do. As much as I can now, I focus on letting life show me the way. If I see myself putting too much pressure then maybe that’s not where I should go, and so on. The skill is in learning when to push and when to let life do its bit.

I hope this helps someone somewhere have a full view of what the retreat can give if you put in the work.

Lots of metta to all of you reading this piece and to all beings. Love.

Marcela