THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACH’S VISOR:
X-Factor or Mid-Life Crisis Accessory?
Suggested Soundtrack while reading this blog below(each coach gets their own song — end of blog details of why each song was chosen. For full playlist:
I originally wrote this blog in 2011 and assumed that most winning coaches wore visors but after extensive *“Marcella-Analysis” we basically learned that the visor didn’t mean jack shit. It’s three years later and I am back to test my hypothesis again.
*Marcella-Analysis is not a formal analysis and is usually just my observation, opinion or some sort of a shortcut to come up with any form of “results.” In other words it’s a bunch of bullshit and means nothing.
Do winners wear visors?
Does wearing a visor = mid life crisis?
Let’s test this hypothesis out.
Top 10 College Football Teams and their Head Coaches (as of 8.14 please don’t get unruly if your team/coach is now at a higher ranking)
1.) Florida State: Dude’s name is Jimbo. Why he isn’t wearing a visor is a total f-ing mystery to me. If ever a visor wearing man had a name it’s Jimbo! This is not a good start but Nike polarized lenses may mark the start of a mid-life crisis, so he really should be wearing a visor.
Visor = 0 Mid Life Crisis (MLC) = 0
2.) The University of Alabama: Nick Saban = no visor and no cap… dually noted… but probably could have used one to hide this rather unflattering look.
In 2011 I googled “Nick Saban” to get more info on what this dude was all about and to my surprise google auto populated it with: “Nick Saban is a dick;” far be it from me not to explore the “Nick Saban is a dick” search per google. But seriously, so what if he’s a dick? A man with such a good head of beautifully ruffled up hair, albeit thinning in the front is bound to be a little bit of an arrogant prick? Having that kind of hair sorta puts you on the top of the male hierarchy.
Collecting more fun stuff from the “Nick Saban is a dick” search I came across this photo that gave me a nice chuckle. The caption reads, “Coach dons large man part, claims he mistook for elephant hat.” Note to self: use the term “man part” more often.
Since I can’t get enough Nick Saban on the internets I thought I would also share the urban dictionary definition of Nick Saban which has not changed since 2011:
“Overrated football coach. Paid $4 million per year by Univ. of Alabama (a backwoods third rate intellectual backwater/vocational school whose rabid fans pathetically live their tragic lives vicariously though an inept has been football team)…Lies out his ass, wouldn’t know integrity or honesty if it slapped him in his head. Has a mean bouffant which he adores and spends inordinate amounts of time tending. Is from some holler in West Virginia originally.” I gotta say great use of the term “holler.”
I was NOT intending for this to be the “Nick Saban show” but I would be remiss if I didn’t include this image that came via the “Nick Saban is a dick” google search.
Visor =0 MLC = 0 PR Team needed +1
3.) University of Oregon — damn it why can’t Chip Kelly still be around?! He is a visor-wearin fool and this photo proves it! I’m sorry I but had to include this one and note he’s a winner so +1 for Visor hypothesis.
The U of O’s new coach, Mark Helfrich, used to be a Buff so I’ve got nothing but love for him and frankly he knows how to rock a ball cap. Sidenote: Coach Helfrich has one of the best songs on the soundtrack you should check it out.)
He’s a winner and no mid life crisis. He’s probably the most put together coach out there. Go Ducks. But can you win a national championship? I bet they could if he wore a visor.
Visor = 0 MLC = 0 Fashion +1
4.) University of Oklahoma: Bob Stoops. Well hello there Mr. Visor and _________??????______ his son? the kicker? Is that what a Sooner is?
Visor = 1 Posing with what appears to look like a “wangsta” I’d say potential mid-life crisis. MLC= .8 I’m convinced he’s on the verge of purchasing a convertible red corvette.
5.) THE Ohio State University (lest we forget to add the “The”): Urban Meyer. Clearly a winner and no headwear accessory to be found. Why would he with that full head of nicely manicured hair?
Even back in the day this dude was smooth. Check out that stache!
Memo to Urban: grow that bad boy out in Movember
6.) Auburn University: Gus Malzahn. Gus was the name of my St. Bernard growing up. Gus should not be a coach’s name. But I digress. I’m going to leave this one alone except to say VISOR +1 Mid Life Crisis= I’d say so. Actually I think he’s straddling the line. The vest says, “I’m a wholesome family guy;” either that or I follow fashion advice from “the” The Ohio State former coach, Jim Tressel. The Under Armour skintight long sleeve compression shirt in white screams MLC and look at my pecs but don’t because I have a vest on.
Visor = +1 Mid Life Crisis = .5
7.) UCLA: Jim Mora. I knew this guy was shady. Thanks Jim. Pick one please. He’s annoying. I cannot make any inferences. He is disqualified. NEXT.
8.) Michigan State University: Mark Dantonio. What a pleasant looking gentleman.
Visor = 0 MLC =0
9.) South Carolina: Oh YES! Steve Spurrier, a quintessential visor wearing coach. He wore the below fashion mishap in 2011 and I still can’t get over it. WTF is it? A hybrid of visor bucket shit. Is this what happens when you coach for a school who’s mascot is a Gamecock? Suddenly your swagg disappears? I can’t go for that, no can do. (Why yes, Coach Spurrier gets a classic Hall & Oates track for his song on the playlist.) Apparently this contraption on his head is called the “bucket visor.” It should be called the Mid-Life Crisis Visor 2.0. Um.. hold the phone I am in edit mode, I just looked closer at the visor and although I’ve had multiple glasses of wine I do believe the back says, “Spurs Lid” — this mofo got his hat custom made. He’s back to balla swagga status.
You cannot deny this man has good hair. Sorry Nick Saban you’ve been knocked off the top of the hair food chain.
Visor +1 MLC = +1
10.) Baylor Univeristy: Art Briles.
SOOOO…… What have we learned about these “winners” besides this group of coaches is completely unmemorable?
3 wear caps
3 go hat/visor-less
3 wear visors
The visor makes its entrance on Stoops at #4 followed by Gus at #6 and doesn’t return again until #9 with Spurrier and that’s debatable if he continues to wear the geriatric bucket visor which doesn’t count.
Once again this is a statistical yawn-fest… I’ve learned nothing and my hypothesis of a visor as a mid-life crisis accessory is unsubstantiated.
So I am back to where I started in 2011. Perhaps we need to go back to:
The Fedora. The look of a true winner.
But wait. No one can rock a Fedora like the great Vince Lombardi so I’d like suggest specially branded Beats By Dre Headset custom fit to each coach with a speaker that plays their soundtrack song listed below during time- outs. Spurrier gets one specially fitted for his bucket visor in magenta to match his pants.
Notes about the soundtrack:
1.Coach Jimbo: “Tunnel of Love” — Bruce Springstein Okay here’s the deal, I can’t really stomach Bruce (I know GASP!) but I just know the whitey coaches rock out to the BOSS like a BOSS. This is the only Bruce Song I could listen to without losing my mind.
2.Coach Saban: “Blinded By the Light” — God I can’t think of a more perfect song for Saban. I would so love to see Lane Kiffin air guitar this while Saban karaokes “wrapped up like a douche…” For the record the lyrics are as follows:
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night
Blinded by the light
Jesus Chrysler I was just looking up the lyrics and found out “Blinded by the Light” is a song written and originally recorded by Bruce Springstein. Everything makes sense now.
3. Coach Helfrich: “Superfly”/Curtis Mayfield — Song speaks for itself.
4. Coach Stoops: “Bab O’Rily”/The Who — because AIR GUITAR.
5.Coach Meyer: “Roc Boyz” (And the Winner is)/Jay Z — I believe he will take his team to the National Championship this year — he is a WINNER. Plus I think he’s a closet Jay-Z fan.
6. Coach Malzahn: “Drunk In Love”/Beyonce — he has a secret obsession with Yonce. He replaces #surfboard #surfboard with #football #football.
7. Coach Mora: “The Flame”/Cheap Trick. I think he secretly karaokes this song to himself in the mirror on game day.
8.Coach Dantonio: “Keep Ya Head Up”/Tupac- he needs to turn that frown upside down.
9. Coach Spurrier: “I Can’t Go For That”/Hall & Oats cuz I can’t go for that hybrid visor.
10. Coach Briles: King of the DanceHall/Beenie Man because you know Coach Briles is in fact King of the DanceHall.
Bonus Track: “If 6 Was 9"/Jimi Hendrix you’re welcome.
Thanks for reading y’all! May your team do better than mine! ☺ Go Buffs!